The Secret Life of ... You

This past weekend I watched the movie “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.” To give a quick summary, without giving away any details, Walter Mitty is responsible for the negatives from film cameras at Life Magazine. For the last print edition of Life Magazine, he needs to find the negative which will be the cover photo. In pursuit of negative #25, Mitty embarks on a series of adventures that are far of his normal character and life.

 

Or at least there’s enough in the movie to make it seem that these adventures are out of character – or are they really?

 

We all have secret lives. It’s not so much that we keep what we do a secret, but most people don’t know about what we really do. After all, how can we ever describe all our adventures and what they really mean, or what it was really like. For some, even, these adventures just become part of life; they don’t seem like adventures to us, they are just what we do.

 

As part of the movie, Mitty is on the eHarmony dating site and the representatives from the site are trying to fill out his adventures and life. Mitty is a quiet character so entire trip becomes a single sentence. His big adventure into Pakistan and the Himalayas comes down to ‘hiking in the Himalayas’ in text format, but the vivid experience he had was far more than that, and had a far greater impact on his life.

 

In my life, I’ve had dozens of adventures both at home and when traveling. On a riverboat on the Amazon River, running in Tanzania, a five-day trip to Australia to meet a woman, cycling under a full moon in France – and so many more. Each one is a full tale itself – the preparation, the people, the environment, the mystery, the adventure, what it meant. Yet each one became a few words in a sentence.

 

A few people know some details about Mitty’s adventures, and a few people know some details about some of my adventures. I’m sure the same is true of you.

The details aren’t the point though. As you watch Mitty, you do see a change in who he is, how he walks, how he carries himself. The adventure is part of the journey into fullness. That’s the same for me. What kind of adventures have you had? What are the details you remember and would want to share? Most importantly – how are you different because of that? What is your secret life and what does it reveal?              

The Eyes of Time

First, watch this video – I believe it’s a clip from the movie “The Artist is Present” which is about the life and works of Marina Abramovic.

The minute where the two meet eye to eye is amazing and beautiful, stunning. I know I'll never forget it, because I know the experience.

It doesn’t really need a history, but here it is: Marina Abramovic and Ulay started an intense love story in the 70s, performing art out of the van they lived in. When they felt the relationship had run its course, they decided to walk the Great Wall of China, each from one end, meeting for one last big hug in the middle and never seeing each other again. At her 2010 MoMa retrospective Marina performed ‘The Artist Is Present’ as part of the show, where she shared a minute of silence with each stranger who sat in front of her. Ulay arrived without her knowing and this is what happened.

As I’ve watched this, and I’ve watched it many times now, each time I am moved, and each time I find something new.

As with Marina and Ulay, it seems like a tale of love and loss, perhaps it is, perhaps it isn’t. While we as humans may feel a deep loss after a love ends, another idea  is simply that love has only changed form. Personally I’ve loved and lost. Even to this day it’s bittersweet as I remember the profound love between us, but rarely enough expressed. The loss is just as bittersweet with the grief of the separation and the knowing that it probably was in both of our best interests. For me, the love and loss as been one of my greatest gifts in this life. To know and feel both and how much they are so much the same.

One minute, it’s a rather short period of time, all things considered. For these two, time didn’t exist, it was a flash and an eternity. So it is in the real world as well. Time is relative, as Einstein was so keen to discover and point out to us. I love his quote, “Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.” Time is only what we make of it, especially when in the company of others. How will you be with your time?

The most profound facet of this is the eyes, the gazing. Have you really ever looked into someone’s eyes? Without talking, without moving, without distracting yourself. Just being there with that person. It doesn’t matter for how long, it can be a few seconds or an hour. If you really let yourself fall into it, open to see and be seen, it’s one of most amazing experiences. It can be planned, to just sit with someone and gaze. It can be spontaneous – perhaps at a restaurant and conversation stops, eyes settle, and you’re just there. Or as happened to me just a few weeks ago, in the middle of a grocery store on a lunchbreak meeting the eyes of a friend. You don’t even have to know each other that well – you might just tear up as you greet each other in a whole new way.

Just watch again and see what stirs in you.

Alive!

As I wrote the path for this piece, I thought of the shortcut word that’s often used in software developer for an exclamation point - bang.

Alive bang

In a recent conversation with a friend she offered the idea that what seemed vitally key to me was being and feeling alive. As she spoke I knew exactly what she was expressing about me. So let me explain …

It starts with the emotion or idea of happy or being happy. I read so many books and quotes that talk about the goal of life is to be happy. I hear so many people describe something similar, that they want to be happy. Now I don’t want to be unhappy or miserable or anything similar for long period of time, but I can’t remember ever saying that being happy was important to me. It’s not that I didn’t want to enjoy myself or experience happiness, but that has rarely been a goal. I don’t mean to say that happiness is not a worthy ideal or goal, but for me it’s not my thing.

Without the goal of being happy, I wasn’t entirely certain was I was seeking or hoping for, but it different from happiness, not more or less, just different. And still it’s been these even if I didn’t have words to express it. Alive is part of that. So is autotelic. And so is joy.

With joy I make a distinction from happiness. Happiness to me, as I’ve seen it is an experience or emotion that often arises because of something external. Perhaps it’s a person or an experience. Because of the external nature, often it can be fleeting; it comes and goes. It’s unlikely we will retain happiness with that kind of input, especially when so many other things happen in our life where we feel so many other things – pain, sadness, grief, ecstasy, anxiety, love. Most of these come and go as well.

But joy … in my experience of joy, joy is internal and spontaneous. It happens just because, for no specific reason. It bubbles up from nowhere and can last awhile or only a moment. For me it’s a delightful, energetic state of being that just happens – sometimes with a giggly kind of smile. I’ve also experience this kind of joy even in the midst of grief or frustration – it’s mixed in. It has an entirely different texture and quality from happy, one that satisfies and lights my body and soul in a more profound, deeper sense.

I’ve written about autotelic before - http://fiercewolfspeaks.blogspot.com/2012/03/autotelic.html. It’s about the idea of enjoying every as it is and the act of doing something is simply its own reward. For me that’s frequently the case. Of course I gravitate towards those things I tend to enjoy more, and still I enjoy what most would consider mundane such as washing dishes.

The idea of being alive or feeling alive encompasses so much for me. Joy is an aspect of it. Autotelic connects even deeper because it’s so prevalent. Alive goes even further – it’s about experiencing life fully, being in life completely as often as possible. Feeling each emotion as it happens. Appreciating sensations whether it’s smell, touch, taste, hearing, or seeing – or even intuition or other sense. It’s letting each moment be rich and simple and whole in itself. The moment might be a reflection on the past, or a hope for the future, a loving caress, or a new understanding of how to solve a problem at work, or a passionate kiss, or a keen insight into how two things relate, or how the keyboard feels as I type this. It doesn’t matter what it is – but being in life, of life, part of life – that’s thrilling beyond any happiness I can imagine or have experienced.

That’s life. That’s being and feeling alive. With a big bang!

Every Day ...

Every day I feel the most exquisite love flow through me.

Of friends of loved ones. For an astonishing life. To humanity and this universe we live in.

Every day I my heart is broken into a thousand pieces.

Every day I open my heart again … and again … and again.

Every day my faith crashes away and I feel the crushing weight of being left.

Every day I carve my faith again, renewed and fresher.

Every day I come to the two roads diverging in the woods.

Every day I take the one less traveled.

Every day I breathe – into my belly, into my back, into my body.

Every day I release something old, something that is no longer needed.

Every day I am the moth nearly scorched by irresistible flames.

Every day I am back for more.

Every day anger burns through me.

Every day alchemy turns it to love and compassion.

Every day fear rises up in my way.

Every day courage reveals new strength.  

Every day impatience sets its course.

Every day I set one of my own.

Every day I feel an unshakeable peace live in me

Every day I feel all the attempts to rattle it.

Every day I awake thrilled to be alive, living in this time.

Every day I awake ready to start all over again.

I am not a runner

I’ve borrowed this title from my friend Lara Robinson and her Saturday Morning Zen blog. Lara recently wrote about not feeling like a runner. It got me to thinking … and I want to take it in a different direction.

In Lara’s blog she questions her status as a runner. She hasn’t run much in several months and voices the loss she feels.

I can relate to this feeling. At one point I was cycling five or six times a week with long rides on the weekends. I considered myself a cyclist. Then I went over the handlebars smashing my face, I don’t recommend this maneuver by the way. The recovery from the facial injuries and brain injuries took two years and for perhaps a year of that, I did very little exercise. My body wouldn’t let me, and thankfully I listened. I felt the loss of my identity as an athlete, as a cyclist. It was even more than that, I slept a lot and in general didn’t have much energy. I hardly went out with friends, I wasn’t very productive at work or at home. My identities as a productive person, as a friend, as a social being – and many more – were challenged over and over.

I didn’t know who I was or how to describe myself. My definition of who I was was dependent on what I did.

We all feel this and we feel this as loss because we hang our confidence and our identity on words and ideas. We are attached, and perhaps with good reason, to these identities; what or who would we be without them? For me, the sense of attachment is greatly diminished, one of the brutal lessons of losing your identities.

So as I read Lara’s blog, a different thought and feeling came to me. Running is an expression of who I am, but it doesn’t define me. Cycling was an expression of who I am, though I don’t express myself much that way anymore. Dancing, singing, playing music are artistic expressions of who I am. Doing bodywork and writing software are completely different expressions of who I am. As a friend, I convey myself in a particular way. As a lover, my heart and soul expresses in a beautiful tangle of bodies and hearts and energies.

Each of these, and more, is an expression of who I am. Each piece is like a hologram, where each piece of a hologram reflects the whole. They flow through me fluidly and easily (mostly).

So, no I am not a runner, but running is a genuine expression of my being and my soul. And it’s sure fun!

An Unshakeable Peace

I’ve wanted to write about this idea for a while, but never had a good title or way to describe it. I want to thank Kirsten Warner for another wonderful yoga class this evening and for the final bit of inspiration to write this, and for the title.

Kirsten began the class talking about a recent retreat she was one where for most of the retreat she felt completely inspired and in one peak experience or another for most of the retreat. She was curious about how to hold that peak experience once she returned home. The teacher spoke of staying open and being present as keys to remaining in and experiencing each moment as a peak experience.

At the end of class, Kirsten offered a blessing – may we all have an unshakeable peace to live from. I don’t know if I have the blessing in full, but the words an unshakeable peace struck a chord with me. That is what I feel and what I’ve wanted to write about. I also just love the way it sounds as I say it and what goes through my body as I let it resonate.

An unshakeable peace is a knowing, in a bodily sense, of a deeper stillness or peace or resonance that is undisturbed by life, by emotions, or anything that happens during the day. There may be other words as well – silence, harmony, awareness, grace, beingness, vastness, aliveness, serenity. Some might call it God, or Source, or our Buddha nature. It doesn’t really matter what you call it, it is always there.

The first step is to start to be able to feel that peace.  Yoga is one of that perfect opportunities to begin to experience this if we can stay present in the asanas (poses) or prana (breath) or any of the eight limbs of yoga. Meditation is another frequent means of discovering that deeper stillness. There are many other ways as well – sports is one, perhaps it’s cooking and preparing a meal, or doing pottery.

Once you’ve started to notice and experience that peace, then it’s a continued practice to stay with it for 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, then an entire yoga class. Then it’s time to take it everywhere – when you’re grocery shopping, or driving, or eating. Even more challenging it to feel it when you’re angry or upset or feeling grief. In real, practical terms this actually means a multi-attention – paying attention to the stillness while you do a yoga pose or feeling the ground of stillness while you have an argument with a loved one.

I don’t know when I first started to actually feel that deeper peace – it’s been several years at least, but I had no words or concepts to put with it. Just something I felt. As I read more and listened to more people I came to understand exactly what Kirsten was talking about. There’s a saying – the mind, or at least the left-brain/logical brain, is always the last to know. My body knew way before my mind understood anything. Now for me it’s fairly constant. Sometime it’s stronger than others, I’ve had goosebumps for days on end from feeling this unshakeable peace and other times it’s only a few moments. I don’t always have the awareness of staying with it, but I know it’s there and I know how to feel it at any time.

The truth is that peace is always unshakeable, it’s always there. The practice is truly how to feel that unshakeable peace while living a human life.

May you all find and know your unshakeable peace.

The Roar of the Crowd

On September 10, 1972, Frank Shorter won the gold medal at the London Olympic games. That win was seen my millions on live tv here in the US and helped to start to running boom that continues to this day. A few days ago was the 40^th anniversary of that win and in the past week I’ve heard many great stories about Frank.

The one I want to share is about his finish of the Olympic marathon. A few minutes before Frank would run into the stadium, one of the workers came running out of the tunnel waving his arms pretending to be the winner. When Frank entered the stadium he didn’t see the imposter, but he heard the boos that were now coming from the crowd at the imposter. Frank was asked how he felt about having his thunder stolen in one of his greatest victories. His response was that he raced for himself, he didn’t care about the roar of the crowd.

Here’s a quote from Jeff Brown with a similar tone though this one is definitely more about a personal journey:

“Most of the greatest achievements on the planet are unknown to others- privately held overcomings, silent attempts at belief, re-opening an armoured heart. ... "”

I am one of those for whom both Frank’s comments and Jeff’s quote resonant. I am who thrives in an inner domain where athletics or work are quite personal and also quite satisfying. For me, this is also true in the realm of personal growth. Frank, Jeff, and I are all men so perhaps this is a more masculine feeling in general.

In talking with a women friend recently we were talking about this very topic. Specifically we were talking about the fact that I rarely share the adventures I head off on. For example, when I raced Race Across America, I didn’t even tell my boss at work until about a month before the race – and this is a race I’d spent 8 years dreaming about and 15 months preparing for. The woman I was talking with and I are good friends and even with her I sometimes don’t share the big adventures.

But she said several very wise things. First was about sharing and connecting – that if we are to be connected as friends we have to share even the crazy stuff and the personal stuff. The more that is shared, the closer we become, and this is even truer when it’s so meaningful. Connection is the stuff and life, but we can only truly connect if we share who we are with another.

The other thing she said was about giving and receiving, gifting and being gifted. Sharing an adventure or personal story is a gift given to a friend. By sharing you are honoring the other person and the bond between the two of you. In turn you have honored yourself and given back to yourself. It’s a complete win and deepening into life and connection.

While many of us may not care about the roar of the crowd, whether its athletics or arts or a personal struggle, we shouldn’t be the ones to decide if the crowd gets to roar or not. We can share who we are and we can do it humbly and honestly and with grace. The crowd or our friends can have their experience and make their own choice about whether they roar, or not. The great thing for the one on the adventure is discovering who it is that roars for you, who your fans really are. Those are the people you want around anyway, but if we never give people the chance to roar, we’ll never know what there is to life.

Reminders

It continues to amaze me every day how often I'm reminded to return to the present and what I'm actually doing, or where the best place for my attention is. There are so many examples every day.

Driving seems to be particularly adept at this. It could be the deer or fox or chipmunk that dash across the road. When I come to a stop sign, I bring my attention back to the give and take. As I approach cyclists I'm careful to ensure both of us are safe. Backing out of the driveway as I watch for cars, bikes, and people walking.
In meetings at work occasionally I'll drift and suddenly realize I have to reconstruct the last minute or so while still listenting to the current conversation. Better to have just stayed present.

Using a knife to cut up fruits or vegetables. Shaving. Eating an ice cream cone on a warm day and paying attention to the melting. Even something as simple as the short interaction with the people ringing up your food at the grocery store and sharing a brief smile and how's your day.

While running, every big rock and root is a reminder to pay attention to where to plant your foot. In the pool, counting strokes, counting laps, and planning your next breath.


I'm also frequently reminded to stay with what is. When I start planning what I'm going to do with the tax refund
and the new tech toy I'm going to get, as soon as that check arrives, my car will suddenly have engine trouble and there goes to the tech toy. This happened recently with a lease I signed - while waiting for the landlord to return a signed copy I gave 30-days notice as my current rental. And guess what, the property I was going to rent is suddenly up for sale.

Maybe it's reminding myself of something I want to say to a friend the next time I see them, and as soon as I show up, something else becomes more important. Or looking forward to a favorite menu item as a local restaurant and then finding out they are out.


I could go on with many more of both being present and being with what is. Sometimes it's annoying - most of the time though I am entirely grateful to have these reminders.

Memory Leaks

First I have to admit I really don’t like metaphors that mix technology with the human body; downloads, operating system upgrades, hardware failures, and so on. Technology is ever present so these metaphors are both modern and relatively easy to relate to. My objection is simple – I’m a living, breathing, biological being, not a computer. No doubt human beings share elements with the computing world, but for now I’d rather retain my humanity. It’s with that that I offer my own metaphor here.

I’m a software developer and have been for a long time. Today in a refresher course I was reminded of two of the most insidious causes of errors within software – memory leaks and memory corruption. Huh? You’ll never see an error on a computer screen that specifically says ‘memory has been leaked’, as if it were water leaking out of a pipe, or ‘your memory has been corrupted.’ A good majority of errors at one point has these as root causes, though modern systems and programming styles are reducing them. Here’s a short explanation:

Memory Leak – to do almost anything on a computer, the software has to ask the operating system for memory, which the operating system readily offers up. As part of being a good software citizen, the software is supposed to give the memory back when it’s done. Sometimes programmers miss this step and what happens is slowly more and more memory is used even though it’s no longer needed. It’s a leak since it’s hard to track down where and when the programmer and software forget to release the memory.

Memory Corruption – when software asks for memory, it asks for a specific amount, for example 1000 bytes. The agreement is that the software is only supposed to use the memory it’s been given and stay within the bounds. Again, programmers can make mistakes and write into the wrong location, or write past the end of its bounds. This is called memory corruption.

Back to the metaphor - As I listened to the presenter talk about memory corruption and memory leaks somehow I thought of human beings and our own memory leaks and memory corruption.

We ‘leak’ memory and get filled up when we hold onto a memory longer than we need to and longer than it serves us. The most severe instances of this are major trauma and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). In these cases our brain, and body, retain the memory of an incident or series of incidents for a very long time. It has a significant effect on our behavior and life. Even smaller events can have an effect, which can be either positive or negative. We may remember a first love and hold onto that memory for a long time, which can interrupt the process of forming new loves. In a different way, someone may have hurt us in some way and we hold onto a grudge for a long time. Again this affects our memory.

The memories themselves don’t go away, it’s our reactions that cause leaks; we waste time and energy on old stuff. It certainly takes effort – some re-patterning of thoughts, maybe forgiveness, or establishing new habits – to sort through the memories and our reactions. When we do though, we stop ‘leaking’ and can put our energy towards aspects of our life that empower and enliven us.

In a similar fashion, a powerful memory is just that – powerful – and it overrides our normal, healthy, bodily systems and reactions. Memories can be so strong they ‘corrupt’ other memories and our systems. Again it’s not so much the memory itself, but how we perceive it and react to it. For example, if we were yelled at a kid for spilling milk, our normal reaction has been corrupted and now we feel bad whenever milked is spilled. Instead we could just be calm, find a mop, clean up the mess and acknowledge that accidents happen. Think of the saying ‘There's no use crying over spilled milk.’ This is just a small example to illustrate the point.

What memories can you release and let go of? What reactions can you change and let go of? What can you do to clean up your own ‘software’ so you have more memory and resources available to bring your best to the world? Start small, and once you know how to work with the small ones, the bigger ones will follow. You will run smoother and happier, just like your computer, with a good memory system.

Listening to Levon

Mark Cohn sings a song titled ‘Listening to Levon.’ It’s about a young man on a date with Mary (her name in the song) and while he remembers a few details, he’s elsewhere, listening to Levon (Levon Helm). The chorus is this:

I was lost
I was gone
Listening to Levon
In another place
In some other world
I was was lost
I was gone
Listening to Levon
I was looking at the girl
But I was listening to Levon

I suppose I can relate. I remember dating a woman a while ago who clearly saw I was more interested in cycling than in her. Maybe it might be more precise to say at the time I was more interested in proving something, and cycling was the way to do it. So as the song continues:

Sorry if I hurt you
Mary if you’re out there
You know who you are

I believe we all have activities that pull us in, where we’re lost in another place. It could be fishing, online gaming, church, or any pursuit which truly feeds us. Our deepest interests have their own sacredness and fulfillment to them.

For a long time cycling was it for me. More recently it’s been running, meditation, and yoga. Each one offers a stillness, peace, depth, connection. It’s not unlike listening to Levon. Engrossed and absorbed seem more relevant to what I feel than lost or gone. Truly being in the run, or on the mat – being present and nowhere else. The result being a similar vein of captivation and experience. In that sense, I feel the resonance of Cohn’s chorus. I feel the want for the magnificence and simplicity of those places deeper than being human.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a passionate kiss, a heartfelt embrace, the twinkle in a lover’s eyes, the deep blessings of a woman’s heart. Those truly reflect some of our most profound desires as humans - wanting to be loved, yearning to be connected, being in relationship with someone close. I feel that pull as well.

The truth is we need both and to find a balance of both. We need those places that bring great joy and satisfaction, an inner pace; and we need to acknowledge and meet our human state of being. We need to support this in each other so that each person blossoms in their own interests and then returns with renewed energy for those he loves.

Done well, this is truly having our cake and eating it too! I’m off to bake my cake and then enjoy the delight of human senses!

The Beginner Dog

I have two dogs. They get daily neighborhood walks; on the weekend I take them for longer hikes. As much as possible I try to let them off leash so they can be dogs and really run.

Each time we go out for a walk or hike, they are very excited. One of them can hardly contain himself – whines, barks, can barely sit still. Once the door is opened they are ready to bolt and run! Of course most dogs are excited to get outside and go for a walk.

Still I’m amazed every time. They are so excited even when it’s a walk or a place we’ve gone before. I know they know the place because they have favorite spots they like to go themselves, and still they’re excited. On leash or off, they are taking sniffing every spot they can, running in circles. Off leash they shoot off in every direction.

What this reminds me of is the Zen Buddhist concept of beginner’s mind. It’s the idea of approaching everything with a newness and freshness, with a lack of preconceived ideas, with a new attitude, even when it’s something that’s been seen or done before. I appreciate how dogs just do this.

It’s a reminder to me on the hikes and walks as well to keep paying attention to the dogs, and still appreciate and enjoy where I am.

The Pair

Written almost 20 years ago ...

As the two proceeded on another journey, onlookers would point and then
point the pair out to others.  Many would wave or smile.  This pair was
different.  Some held faces of wonderment and awe at such an oddity. 
Others shouted cheers of encouragement.  Always they were uncommon.

The pair working together always; individuals, but one, when together,
as a team. It can't be any other way.

As a team, the pair works together always.  Neither has complete
control, yet one must be the guide, the captain to provide the
direction and control for each circumstance, and one will be the
partner or mate.   Still the guide must consider the partner at all
times, and the partner should always be contributing to the navigation
of the team towards the aim.

Every path taken will provide challenges and tests of will; intervals
of stability and steady, smooth effort; and well-deserved rewards.

As a team, every challenge is negotiated together.  A few are larger
than life and nearly impossible while others may quickly pass often
without notice.  The smaller tasks can become commonplace and merely
require a signal to exert the modest effort to prevail.  If the team
has enough momentum, perhaps it is not even noticeable.  Some are like
roller coasters, the next one is always right there, just keep the
momentum going and these may even seem easy.  Those which are not
apparent until you've actually reached the end can be disheartening,
but don't give up.  Then there are the big ones, the ones which require
the most tenacity by the team.  Be careful not to exert too much at the
beginning and struggle near the end.  And watch for false peaks, which
are only intermediate goals towards achieve the final end.  Every once
in a while, a change of position to alter the attack or to give the
charge some extra effort can render a renewed sense of purpose.  The
effort can be long and arduous, so take turns giving a little boost to
the team.  In the end, the team will be successfully if they work together.

Almost every challenge has its rewards, even if small; every down has
its up.  The rewards can be exhilarating, refreshing, a relief, a rush!
A magnificent sunset with no one around for miles, a night under the
stars, a fine bar of chocolate - imagination has no limits.  A chance
to coast along  with little effort, to indulge in the prize of a
challenge met and conquered.  Enjoy these rewards, for often they don't
last long as one might wish.  Savor them individually, savor them as a
team where the momentum of two will be greater than either could attain
separately.  Yet, amidst the bliss of splendor, don't forget the
responsibilities to the team, to the other person.

Rare be it for periods of constancy to occur.  Don't expect those
smooth and flat stretches to be very lengthy.  Maybe relaxation and
enjoyment of an easier effort are in order, or perhaps a chance to take
advantage of the stability to push the pace and explore some limits. 
During these stretches, it's probably a good idea to stretch a bit and
change position, just like when challenges are being fought, except
here, the change is to keep smooth, not to alter the attack.

But beware, constancy can inspire boredom and a wandering mind.  A mind
that says I'm not doing my share.  So one starts to work a little
harder.  The other in turn notices and also expends a little more
energy, not to be outdone.  The team has succumbed to a cycle which
increases pace and requires an energy expenditure greater than
necessary.  Watch for such traps to avoid coercing an unnecessary challenge.


But none of this can happen without some essentials - some of which
include trust, cooperation, compromise.

Each, as individuals, has their own style, but these must be blended to
induce the harmony of the pair.  The styles may not be entirely
compatible, compromises must be made by both for the team to work in
unison.  One may like to smell the flowers, the other to reach the
goal; one may be patient, the other impatient.  No match is ever
perfect, but compromises in style can make it work.

The team must cooperate.  Deciding on a destination together is the
first step.  As the team travels, use their individual strengths for
their benefit and make up for their collective weaknesses.  Work
through the differences in ideas, thoughts, styles to provide
smoothness and comfort for both.

Complete Trust between the two is absolutely necessary.  Trust that the
guide holds a steady course, maintains complete control, provides
necessary adjustments and commands when necessary.  Trust that the
partner will back that direction, not counter the course the guide is
taking, and respond to directions.  The well-being of the team depends
on this trust.

Any team or situation demands communication.  This team must
communicate as well.  Initially this may be verbally, but as the pair
travels together, they learn about each other.  They learn subtleties
of movements, the meanings of actions, anticipation of what will may
happen next.  As time passes, each can respond to non-verbal clues from
the other.  Soon they just do, as if by magic.

Oh, and one other thing about this team.  Don't ever tell them they
can't, they'll leave you in their dust before the statement is finished!

It will take effort to get two moving as one, in synchronous motion. 
Once the team is moving, they carry a lot of momentum with them and
will hard to stop!


Being as one, they travel together, enjoy the beauty of their travels,
endure the hardship it may bring, but most of all it provides a unison,
a unity of spirits.  A oneness and uniqueness that is readily recognizable.

The pair working together always; individuals, but one, when together,
as a team. It can't be any other way.

So is this the story of a pair on a tandem, or a tandem to the story of a pair?

Do it anyway

"Whatever you do in life will be insignifigant, but it is very important that you do it anyway. Because nobody else will. Are fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch."- Mahatma Gandhi

I first heard this quote durnig the movie "Remember Me". As a side not, it's a good movie. It's slow with the first half seemingly disconnected. It's not until near the very end of the movie the entire movie and the quote above make sense.

For me this quote brings forth the paradox and conundrum of life. With all the billions and billions of stars (or maybe it's trillions and trillions), with the estimated age of the universe at 13.7 billion years, with each human life 1 of a 6 billion on this planet we call Earth ... within this scale, it truly does seem that whatever we do with this life is insignificant.

Truly though none of us live at that immense, unimaginable scale of the universe. Even 1 star doesn't matter at that scale. We live at a human scale, most often measured by our neighborhoods, communities, and cities. These are the places we live, breathe, work, play, and exist.

At this personal level and personal scale, our actions are important. Very important. A smile to a stranger can change a day, both for you and them. Picking up a random piece of trash does improve the planet and make it nicer for everyone. Spending time with a friend enriches lives.

At the other end we can send waves the other way - road rage which might offer us some release yet brews anger in others, or flicking a cigarette butt out the window.

Everything we do matters, especially in relationship - to other people, to the earth, to animals, to ourselves. It is important how we act and it is equally important that we do act.

Regardless of the scale - universal or human, I agree with Gandhi. Do it anyway!

What's your fun?

Here's a clip from 60 minutes with a story and interview about a 13 year old who was diagnosed with Autism at age 2, but through continued efforts of his parents and fostering his interest in science, he has more or less moved pass the autistic symptons. It's quite a remarkable story, not only because of the turnaround but becaue he's now, at 13, a sophomore in college.

My favorite part of the interview by Mike Wallace is about four and half minutes into the clip:

• Wallace: What do you do you for fun?
• Jake: When it doesn’t involve academics?
• Wallace: Beyond the academics?
• Jake (smirk): Does looking up space articles online count?
• Wallace: <laughter>

Jake is both completely aware of what he enjoys and that it's likely different from what might be considered a normal 'fun' activity. He is also completing accepting of it, he doesn't hide it. It's part of who he is.

So what's your fun? That is putting aside any judgment, any ideas of what normal might be.  Maybe collecting quirky salt and pepper shakers, or reading Vogue cover to cover every month (and you're a guy :-), or perhaps number and letter games with license plates (me).

What's your true fun?

David Deida is a ...

No secrets given away with the title, you have to read it all because it all fits together. I didn’t write this, but it did come from a Deida David community website that existed for a while. All I know if the writer’s name was Tom.

How does this fit for me – there’s some truth here for me as I've been to a few Deida workshops and I can relate even down to the very end. While this tongue-in-check, yet real, message is aimed at David Deida, it’s probably true that any major name could be substituted with the message they offer. Don't get me wrong I have the greated respect for David Deida, Ram Dass, Pema Chodron, Adyashanti and all those who bring us great wisdom.

In the end it’s all about what we know and we’re willing to do with our lives, listening to the inner wisdom coming through.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm paraphrasing this exchange between David Deida and a man at an intensive, because I don't have the exact words, but it is pretty close to the actual conversation:

Man: So I attended a workshop with you several years ago and described how my life was a mess and I wasn't in the relationship I wanted and you said that I needed to do a kind of vision quest and remove all the distractions from my life until the pain of not having a mission would compel me to act from my deepest purpose.
DD: And did you do that?
Man: Yeah.
DD: For how long?
Man: About 24 hours, (much laughter) but nothing came to me.
DD: And then what happened?
Man: Well, I got involved with this woman and her children and that has taken a lot of time, but I don't feel like I'm any closer to knowing what I'm supposed to be doing.
DD: So let me see if I have this straight. You spent 24 hours trying to find your purpose, then gave up because it was too hard. Then you went out and added a huge level of distraction to your life and now you are still lost and still don't have a purpose or the relationship you want. Is that accurate?
Man: Yeah.
DD: And do you have a question?
Man: Well, do you have any other suggestions?

It was a funny moment at the intensive, but I'm sharing it not because it was funny but because it was so honest. That guy was me. Not literally me. I was way too chicken shit to raise my hand at one of those events, but it was me just the same. I'm something of a zealot when I embrace a new thing. I attended the workshops. I read the books. I listened to all the recorded pieces. I started a men's group. I integrated it into my teaching. I knew the shit forward and backward. But I was still that guy asking that question: Do you have any other suggestions?

Then, at some point, I got it.

I stopped going to the workshops, because there weren't going to be any other suggestions. I already knew what I needed to do. The fucking truth was that I wasn't doing what I needed to do. I wasn't living what I knew.

People encounter David Deida's work at all levels. For some people he is "the how to find the perfect partner guy." For others he is "the how to have really great sex guy." For still others he is "the guy who punches their sexual or emotional validation card ("I'm a third stage______. Where are all the third stage _______s who are ready for me?).

If you need practices or techniques, he will give you those. If you need a glimpse of the third stage inside a safe container, he will take you there. But in the end, what he has is a beautiful theory about how men and women can live love, light, and consciousness in a larger way. I use the word beautiful here, the way physicists use the word beautiful or elegant: it describes the world we experience in the most truthful and accurate way. That doesn't mean we will like that theory. Especially if it conflicts with other deeply held beliefs, but it is still beautiful.

To paraphrase a famous essay that David Deida wrote about Ken Wilbur: David Deida is a Fraud.
He is God's shill in the audience. He the Goddess's circus barker. He uses sex and the idea of the perfect relationship to get us to pony up our dime and enter the tent of higher purpose to learn the secret.

At first, being inside the tent is exhilarating. David does indeed share secrets. But when one secret doesn't get us there, we want another secret. He keeps repackaging the one secret and giving it to us again and again. He gives us feminine and masculine flavors of the secret. He gives us dark and light versions of the secret. But in the end it is still just one secret. And it isn't that the secret isn't true or that the secret won't take us to God in a heartbeat, what drives us to the edge of insanity is that the secret is too hard to live.

So here we are, in the tent of higher purpose that we were tricked into paying to enter and some of us are pissed off.

Our first stage selves want to know "Hey, what's in this for me? I paid my money so will somebody just give me the answer so I can get what I'm looking for."

Our second stage selves are bargaining. "I understand that I have to give something in order to get something, so I will give as long as I'm getting."

But what I want to know is what's in it for God? God's secret, that David shares so craftily, is that when we stop looking to get or be filled and when we stop giving to get or giving in order to be filled, the only thing left is giving because we are full and there is nothing else left to do. We won't stop hurting, but we will stop suffering.

What it takes to make a community work is what it takes to make a relationship work. A first stage community needs the firm control of someone in charge. A second stage community needs a committee and a consensus around rules that make our exchanges safe. A third stage community needs a fearless commitment to be honest and open and to give the best of what we have to bring with no attachment and no expectation. Remember that this is the tent of higher purpose and the secret is nothing more simple and more radical than a shift in perspective from "doing to get" toward "doing to give."

The beauty of a community, even a virtual one, is the beauty of a relationship, it gives one a chance to practice.

So what have I been practicing? I've been away at a business meeting and on the final morning I had to make a short presentation. It was no big deal, but I did take a chance and say things that were a little provocative. After the meeting, I had 5 or 6 people come up to me to give me variations on the same compliment. One woman ( a fellow executive director for an affiliate of our national organization) said, "When you get up to speak, I just kind of relax, because I know that you are going to tell me the truth. You aren't trying to pick a fight, but you won't back down from one either."

That's what I've been practicing here. Doing that with integrity and consistency is something I haven't always been able to do, so it is my practice. But in practicing, I come to realize that I am filled with that capacity or more accurately I am that capacity. I don't expect to get anything from doing it, but I kind of figure I wouldn't have the capacity if I wasn't meant to be giving it. Sometimes I hope God gets something from my increasing my capacity to do it, but there are cable TV programs that are more interesting than my life, so I'm not expecting any big karmic rewards.

I am grateful for this community and the opportunity to practice in the same way that I am grateful for my relationship and the opportunity Kelly gives to me to practice.

So yeah, David Deida is a fraud. I bought the banter. I paid my dime. I was suckered into the tent with the promise of better sex and better relationships. He nearly drove me crazy as I watched my relationship deconstruct before my eyes. He told me everything I needed to do and told me I probably wouldn't manage it. Bastard! His curious little koan of polarity messed with my head and my heart. He tricked me into changing how I lived my life.

So, David Deida, you fucking fraud, at least for tonight, thanks!

Pursue Those

"There are many things in life that will catch your
eye, but only a few will catch your heart . . .
pursue those."

-- Unknown

Asking

My dogs are not shy about asking for what they want and doing it at any time. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing they’ll ‘ask’, it could be yoga, reading, watching a movie, sleeping, at the computer. They might use a paw to want to be petted, or bring a ball or rope to play, or grab a leash to go for a walk. They are as creative as can be. I’m sure most dogs are like this.

Kids aren’t much different. They are in the moment and just ask for what they want or need whether it’s good or a toy or a hug. They just go for it.

Of course kids and dogs don’t always get what they ask for, but at least they aren’t shy about asking.

For an adult, we might call the behavior of dogs or kids rude, but we don’t. We understand their nature.

As we grow we are taught what’s appropriate and what’s not – what’s rude. So we stop asking because of what we’ve been taught. There’s some external protocol we’re supposed to follow and we have an internal association of guilt or weakness that goes along with asking.

What if we all just asked for what we wanted? Certainly we won’t get it all the times. Wouldn’t it be freeing just to ask with no judgment associated with it, internal or external?

10,000 hours

If you read material about creativity or genius, there is a common concensus that the foundation of extraordinary creativity or genius is about 10,000 hours of study and practice (there are other pieces to this, but I'm focusing on the hours for now). That's just to establish the foundation of knowledge and experience. The learning still continues and that's also when there is more opportunity for new thinking and new opportunities because of that basis.

Here's some perspective on that number. If a student completes the United State primary education system (K-12), they will have spent about 10,000 hours in a classroom or with homework. In reality that time is establishing a foundation for the rest of their lives. It would be difficult to get very far without that foundation.

Our basic four years of college is only about 3000-4000 hours of classroom time and study. 120 credits is typical 4 year program with each credit representing about 15 hours of classroom time. On top of that basic 1800 hours of classroom time is homework.

The schooling and training needed to be a doctor or earn a Ph.D. is usually 5 years of even more intense study. This is getting near the 10,000 hours as the foundation for a subject of study.

Here are a few other ways to look at 10,000 hours:
- That's 5 years of working full-time, 40 hours a week.
- At 20 hours a week or practice at anything, it would take 10 years to establish that foundation.
- Finally at just 10 hours a week, the time extends out to 20 years!

Everyone who decides to pursue a career as a lawyer or doctor, or pursue a Ph.D. knows that amount of time that is involved and they are willing to put that in. I wonder if everyone knew this number, what they'd think about their chosen career or hobby? Or How many people are truly willing to put in that much time and effort over an extended period of years to achieve that foundation of knowledge and experience?

What this does show though is that consistency and effort does pay off. It just takes time like anything else!

Blue Jeans Are It!

I'm a blue jeans guy!

I work in the software industry where casual dress is common at many offices - t-shirts and jeans for many. For me it's usually something nicer than a t-shirt. For pants though - it's blue jeans. Occasionally I'll look past my jeans in my closet and realize there are other pairs of pants in there. Every time it's a surprise, and almost as quickly I grab my jeans again.

Recently I tried to branch out and get pants or jeans that are other than blue. I found a pair of nice grey pants, organic cotton and all. Several weeks later I found a pair of grey jeans with a great fit. It turns out they were both the exact same color - and both not returnable since they were on sale. Not the first since I've found two pair of pants within a couple months of the same color!

Needless to say in the past several months that I've had these new pants, I haven't worn them much. Same thing - I just grab my blue jeans. When I do grab one of my pants other than blue jeans, I can't seem to decide if the shirt or sweater I choose goes with the grey. Maybe I'm a bit color blind.

That's when I figured out one of the best things about blue jeans are that almost anything goes with it. Almost any style and almost any color. I never have to think about if the green shirt or blue sweater I'm going to wear matches my jeans. It just does. It can be dark blue, light blue, medium blue, faded blue - they all go together.

I'm just going to admit I'm a blue jeans guy and go with it! Makes like simple and easy. Just find a pair that fits well and I'm happy.