David Deida is a ...

No secrets given away with the title, you have to read it all because it all fits together. I didn’t write this, but it did come from a Deida David community website that existed for a while. All I know if the writer’s name was Tom.

How does this fit for me – there’s some truth here for me as I've been to a few Deida workshops and I can relate even down to the very end. While this tongue-in-check, yet real, message is aimed at David Deida, it’s probably true that any major name could be substituted with the message they offer. Don't get me wrong I have the greated respect for David Deida, Ram Dass, Pema Chodron, Adyashanti and all those who bring us great wisdom.

In the end it’s all about what we know and we’re willing to do with our lives, listening to the inner wisdom coming through.

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I'm paraphrasing this exchange between David Deida and a man at an intensive, because I don't have the exact words, but it is pretty close to the actual conversation:

Man: So I attended a workshop with you several years ago and described how my life was a mess and I wasn't in the relationship I wanted and you said that I needed to do a kind of vision quest and remove all the distractions from my life until the pain of not having a mission would compel me to act from my deepest purpose.
DD: And did you do that?
Man: Yeah.
DD: For how long?
Man: About 24 hours, (much laughter) but nothing came to me.
DD: And then what happened?
Man: Well, I got involved with this woman and her children and that has taken a lot of time, but I don't feel like I'm any closer to knowing what I'm supposed to be doing.
DD: So let me see if I have this straight. You spent 24 hours trying to find your purpose, then gave up because it was too hard. Then you went out and added a huge level of distraction to your life and now you are still lost and still don't have a purpose or the relationship you want. Is that accurate?
Man: Yeah.
DD: And do you have a question?
Man: Well, do you have any other suggestions?

It was a funny moment at the intensive, but I'm sharing it not because it was funny but because it was so honest. That guy was me. Not literally me. I was way too chicken shit to raise my hand at one of those events, but it was me just the same. I'm something of a zealot when I embrace a new thing. I attended the workshops. I read the books. I listened to all the recorded pieces. I started a men's group. I integrated it into my teaching. I knew the shit forward and backward. But I was still that guy asking that question: Do you have any other suggestions?

Then, at some point, I got it.

I stopped going to the workshops, because there weren't going to be any other suggestions. I already knew what I needed to do. The fucking truth was that I wasn't doing what I needed to do. I wasn't living what I knew.

People encounter David Deida's work at all levels. For some people he is "the how to find the perfect partner guy." For others he is "the how to have really great sex guy." For still others he is "the guy who punches their sexual or emotional validation card ("I'm a third stage______. Where are all the third stage _______s who are ready for me?).

If you need practices or techniques, he will give you those. If you need a glimpse of the third stage inside a safe container, he will take you there. But in the end, what he has is a beautiful theory about how men and women can live love, light, and consciousness in a larger way. I use the word beautiful here, the way physicists use the word beautiful or elegant: it describes the world we experience in the most truthful and accurate way. That doesn't mean we will like that theory. Especially if it conflicts with other deeply held beliefs, but it is still beautiful.

To paraphrase a famous essay that David Deida wrote about Ken Wilbur: David Deida is a Fraud.
He is God's shill in the audience. He the Goddess's circus barker. He uses sex and the idea of the perfect relationship to get us to pony up our dime and enter the tent of higher purpose to learn the secret.

At first, being inside the tent is exhilarating. David does indeed share secrets. But when one secret doesn't get us there, we want another secret. He keeps repackaging the one secret and giving it to us again and again. He gives us feminine and masculine flavors of the secret. He gives us dark and light versions of the secret. But in the end it is still just one secret. And it isn't that the secret isn't true or that the secret won't take us to God in a heartbeat, what drives us to the edge of insanity is that the secret is too hard to live.

So here we are, in the tent of higher purpose that we were tricked into paying to enter and some of us are pissed off.

Our first stage selves want to know "Hey, what's in this for me? I paid my money so will somebody just give me the answer so I can get what I'm looking for."

Our second stage selves are bargaining. "I understand that I have to give something in order to get something, so I will give as long as I'm getting."

But what I want to know is what's in it for God? God's secret, that David shares so craftily, is that when we stop looking to get or be filled and when we stop giving to get or giving in order to be filled, the only thing left is giving because we are full and there is nothing else left to do. We won't stop hurting, but we will stop suffering.

What it takes to make a community work is what it takes to make a relationship work. A first stage community needs the firm control of someone in charge. A second stage community needs a committee and a consensus around rules that make our exchanges safe. A third stage community needs a fearless commitment to be honest and open and to give the best of what we have to bring with no attachment and no expectation. Remember that this is the tent of higher purpose and the secret is nothing more simple and more radical than a shift in perspective from "doing to get" toward "doing to give."

The beauty of a community, even a virtual one, is the beauty of a relationship, it gives one a chance to practice.

So what have I been practicing? I've been away at a business meeting and on the final morning I had to make a short presentation. It was no big deal, but I did take a chance and say things that were a little provocative. After the meeting, I had 5 or 6 people come up to me to give me variations on the same compliment. One woman ( a fellow executive director for an affiliate of our national organization) said, "When you get up to speak, I just kind of relax, because I know that you are going to tell me the truth. You aren't trying to pick a fight, but you won't back down from one either."

That's what I've been practicing here. Doing that with integrity and consistency is something I haven't always been able to do, so it is my practice. But in practicing, I come to realize that I am filled with that capacity or more accurately I am that capacity. I don't expect to get anything from doing it, but I kind of figure I wouldn't have the capacity if I wasn't meant to be giving it. Sometimes I hope God gets something from my increasing my capacity to do it, but there are cable TV programs that are more interesting than my life, so I'm not expecting any big karmic rewards.

I am grateful for this community and the opportunity to practice in the same way that I am grateful for my relationship and the opportunity Kelly gives to me to practice.

So yeah, David Deida is a fraud. I bought the banter. I paid my dime. I was suckered into the tent with the promise of better sex and better relationships. He nearly drove me crazy as I watched my relationship deconstruct before my eyes. He told me everything I needed to do and told me I probably wouldn't manage it. Bastard! His curious little koan of polarity messed with my head and my heart. He tricked me into changing how I lived my life.

So, David Deida, you fucking fraud, at least for tonight, thanks!

Pursue Those

"There are many things in life that will catch your
eye, but only a few will catch your heart . . .
pursue those."

-- Unknown

More on Vulnerability

"We have the strange idea, unsupported by any evidence, that we are loved and admired only for our superb strength, our far-reaching powers, and our all-knowing competency. Yet in the real world, no matter how many relationships may have been initiated by strength and power, no marriage or friendship has ever been deepened by these qualities. After a short, erotic honeymoon, power and omnipotence expose their shadow underbellies and threaten real intimacy, which is based on mutual vulnerability. After the bows have been made to the brass god of power, we find in the privacy of relationship that same god suddenly immobile and inimitable to conversation. As brass gods ourselves, we wonder why we are no longer loved in the same way we were at our first appearance. Our partners have begun to find our infallibility boring and, after long months or years, to find us false, frightening, and imprisoning.

We have the same strange idea in work as we do in love: that we will engender love, loyalty and admiration in others by exhibiting a great sense of power and competency. We are surprised to find that we garner fear and respect but forgo the other, more intimate magic. Real, undying loyalty in work can never be legislated or coerced; it is based on a courageous vulnerability that invites others by our example to a frontier conversation whose outcome is yet in doubt.

We have an even stranger idea: that we will finally fall in love with ourselves only when we have become the totally efficient organized organism we have always wanted to be and left all of bumbling ineptness behind. Yet in exactly the way we come to find love and intimacy with others through vulnerability, we come to those same qualities in ourselves through living out the awkwardness of not knowing, of not being in charge.

We try to construct a life in which we will be perfect, in which we will eliminate awkwardness, pass by vulnerability, ignore ineptness, only to pass through the gate of our lives and find, strangely, that the gateway is vulnerability itself. The very place we are open to the world whether we like it or not.”

-- David Whyte

Asking

My dogs are not shy about asking for what they want and doing it at any time. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing they’ll ‘ask’, it could be yoga, reading, watching a movie, sleeping, at the computer. They might use a paw to want to be petted, or bring a ball or rope to play, or grab a leash to go for a walk. They are as creative as can be. I’m sure most dogs are like this.

Kids aren’t much different. They are in the moment and just ask for what they want or need whether it’s good or a toy or a hug. They just go for it.

Of course kids and dogs don’t always get what they ask for, but at least they aren’t shy about asking.

For an adult, we might call the behavior of dogs or kids rude, but we don’t. We understand their nature.

As we grow we are taught what’s appropriate and what’s not – what’s rude. So we stop asking because of what we’ve been taught. There’s some external protocol we’re supposed to follow and we have an internal association of guilt or weakness that goes along with asking.

What if we all just asked for what we wanted? Certainly we won’t get it all the times. Wouldn’t it be freeing just to ask with no judgment associated with it, internal or external?

Vulnerability

Today I found a link by Owen Marcus to a TED talk by Brene Brown. I've watched a bunch of talks from TED and this has to be one of the best I've ever seen. Brown has powerful ideas about shame, guilty, vulnerability, worthiness, and courage. Amazing that she packs so much into just 20 minutes.

After watching both that TED talk and this one, also by Brown, I'm at a loss for words. Mostly I want to share so others this these talks as well. They really drive to the heart of being human.

Just watch

Autotelic

definition from the Encarta World Dictionary
1. done for its own sake: done for its own sake rather than to gain a material reward or avoid a punishment
2. philosophy possessing internal purpose: describes an entity or event that has within itself the purpose of its existence or occurrence

In some ways I relate this to the Zen proverb: "Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water." Once we can do things for their own enjoyment, they are no longer burdens but a way to live and enjoy everything we do. Essentially every activity becomes autotelic.

Alan Watts put it this way: “This is the real secret of life -- to be completely engaged with what you are doing in the here and now. And instead of calling it work, realize it is play.”

What's more fascinating about autotelic is that it has been used to describe a personality type! I believe Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi was one of the ascribe this context. This is how he describes autotelics: "An autotelic person needs few material possessions and little entertainment, comfort, power, or fame because so much of what he or she does is already rewarding. Because such persons experience flow in work, in family life, when interacting with people, when eating, even when alone with nothing to do, they are less dependent on the external rewards that keep others motivated to go on with a life composed of routines. They are more autonomous and independent because they cannot be as easily manipulated with threats or rewards from the outside. At the same time, they are more involved with everything around them because they are fully immersed in the current of life."

While I'm not one more labels, I do like patterns and this is a pattern that has many elements which ring true for me. I wonder how many autotelics are there?

10,000 hours

If you read material about creativity or genius, there is a common concensus that the foundation of extraordinary creativity or genius is about 10,000 hours of study and practice (there are other pieces to this, but I'm focusing on the hours for now). That's just to establish the foundation of knowledge and experience. The learning still continues and that's also when there is more opportunity for new thinking and new opportunities because of that basis.

Here's some perspective on that number. If a student completes the United State primary education system (K-12), they will have spent about 10,000 hours in a classroom or with homework. In reality that time is establishing a foundation for the rest of their lives. It would be difficult to get very far without that foundation.

Our basic four years of college is only about 3000-4000 hours of classroom time and study. 120 credits is typical 4 year program with each credit representing about 15 hours of classroom time. On top of that basic 1800 hours of classroom time is homework.

The schooling and training needed to be a doctor or earn a Ph.D. is usually 5 years of even more intense study. This is getting near the 10,000 hours as the foundation for a subject of study.

Here are a few other ways to look at 10,000 hours:
- That's 5 years of working full-time, 40 hours a week.
- At 20 hours a week or practice at anything, it would take 10 years to establish that foundation.
- Finally at just 10 hours a week, the time extends out to 20 years!

Everyone who decides to pursue a career as a lawyer or doctor, or pursue a Ph.D. knows that amount of time that is involved and they are willing to put that in. I wonder if everyone knew this number, what they'd think about their chosen career or hobby? Or How many people are truly willing to put in that much time and effort over an extended period of years to achieve that foundation of knowledge and experience?

What this does show though is that consistency and effort does pay off. It just takes time like anything else!

Amazement

Roses are red, violets are blue
I'm a poet, and I don't even know it.

It's true. Wow!
Where? How? Why?
The curious mind wants to know.
But doesn't really care.
It happens so let it flow.
    Let it be.
Answers obscure the muse.
Let it be.
From the heart, from the soul, from the Mystery.
Does it matter?
Just open up, sit still
    feel with your senses
    hear with your heart
    see with your soul.
We're all poets
    including me
    including you

- By yours truly

Living Truth

Knowing the Truth is Fairly Useless. Feeling it is Profound. Living it Makes All the Difference.

~David Deida

Blue Jeans Are It!

I'm a blue jeans guy!

I work in the software industry where casual dress is common at many offices - t-shirts and jeans for many. For me it's usually something nicer than a t-shirt. For pants though - it's blue jeans. Occasionally I'll look past my jeans in my closet and realize there are other pairs of pants in there. Every time it's a surprise, and almost as quickly I grab my jeans again.

Recently I tried to branch out and get pants or jeans that are other than blue. I found a pair of nice grey pants, organic cotton and all. Several weeks later I found a pair of grey jeans with a great fit. It turns out they were both the exact same color - and both not returnable since they were on sale. Not the first since I've found two pair of pants within a couple months of the same color!

Needless to say in the past several months that I've had these new pants, I haven't worn them much. Same thing - I just grab my blue jeans. When I do grab one of my pants other than blue jeans, I can't seem to decide if the shirt or sweater I choose goes with the grey. Maybe I'm a bit color blind.

That's when I figured out one of the best things about blue jeans are that almost anything goes with it. Almost any style and almost any color. I never have to think about if the green shirt or blue sweater I'm going to wear matches my jeans. It just does. It can be dark blue, light blue, medium blue, faded blue - they all go together.

I'm just going to admit I'm a blue jeans guy and go with it! Makes like simple and easy. Just find a pair that fits well and I'm happy.