They say a woman will know a lot about a potential partner from the
first kiss. Maybe it’s true, maybe not, I won’t argue over a few moments to
predict the future. In a similar way, I would posture the idea that a woman will absolutely know what intimate
relationships and sex might be like from how
you touch her.
How you ever been in a group where you’re given the instruction to do a
massage circle? You know – stand in a circle, turn to the right, put your hands
on the shoulders of the person in front of you, and begin massaging. At the
onset there is great anticipation and potential delight for being touched and
massaged.
And then the person behind you begins. You feel their fingers digging
it to odd places. You think – what the hell are they doing? Or maybe they
barely make it through your clothing and you are bored with the massage circle,
waiting for when the instruction is given to turn the other way and hope the
other person knows what they are doing.
Then one day in one of those circles, it’s just right. The right
pressure, the right spot, the right movement and you’ve let go, almost
forgetting that you’re supposed to be massing the person in front of you.
It’s like Goldilocks and the porridge – not too hot, not too cold, but
JUST right!
Touch is absolutely that way, and learning how to touch in that way
will change your world of touch, for you and your partner.
To backtrack for a bit, this article was inspired by this story:
Karla – not her real name to protect the innocent (though she’s not
that innocent :) - and I had a developing friendship. Our energies matched well
so the potential for a deeper, more intimate relationship was there. Yet timing
and spirit and guides were speaking this wasn’t the time. We both needed a
vacation so we took a trip together. With each of us being comfortable with the
other, we slept together and cuddled enjoying touch and presence and energy. I
am very fond of touch – giving and receiving – so one morning I began gently
massaging Karla. There was no intention towards anything more. Yet, the touch
was received deliciously and naturally grew to some amazing love making.
I was convinced that because of the quality of my touch, Karla became
open to more. Indeed after sharing with Karla, she said that was definitely
true. Looking back at past relationships, I’m would believe that’s true with
many women, the qualities of my touch and how I touch made a big difference in
our interactions.
These ideas here come with my background as being trained as a massage
therapist. In that training I received hundreds of hours of instruction; I’ve also
received hundreds of hours of bodywork. It’s from this I draw knowledge for putting
this into practice anytime I touch someone, whether it’s for bodywork, or a
massage circle, or intimate touch with a partner.
Just right – what does that mean? First, just right is about what’s
right for the person receiving, NOT what you like. If you’re a big muscled man,
getting into those muscles most likely means elbows and lots of pressure.
Imagine doing that with a small woman, like a gymnast. She’s going to jump up
and be gone.
This is the key – just right.
You can do it, so let me explain how to get there.
First, get out of your head. To say it another way – stop thinking.
Your brain isn’t going to know what the other person likes or wants at all. You
could ask, but asking every step of the way would be annoying for both of you. Asking
can be a start, but mostly you have to listen and feel. When you listen and
feel (and stop using your brain), you become present to the moment, to the
person. It’s somewhat like meditating, or being ‘in the zone’ in sports, or
being entirely engrossed in a hobby or a job. You are just there in it, with
it. Start there.
Now place your hands on someone – maybe a partner, maybe a friend to
practice with. Just feel their body, feel the skin, feel the muscles under the
skin, feel the bones and jones. Explore slowly is another way to think about
this. One way to start is to ask in your mind to this body, ‘what would you
like to feel here?’ You might get an answer – just a caress, or a strong thumb.
Your hands and body might just starting moving in response.
Other way is to gently press, softly first. See how the body receiving
likes it. Does it want more? Does it want less? Does it want you to move to
another spot? Maybe that spot doesn’t like being touched. Follow with what
you’re being told.
Try many different spots on the body. Try the arms, try the legs.
Almost everyone likes hands and feet. Try the head and face, many people like
ears.
The qualities that you are discovering are pressure or depth (how hard
to press), speed (how fast/slow to move), and how much (use a finger, or a
hand, or a whole arm).
Another form of ‘just right’ is what you like to give (not receive). If
you like gently long caressed down the back, do it. Do it with intention and
joy. It may not be something your partner likes the best, but they will like
that you like it, and they will like that you are expressing yourself.
As you play with this notice how as you move from one part to another,
each part way have its own desired touch. For example, if you’re touching a leg
and there’s a big bruise there. If you’re pressing firmly into the quad muscles
above it, you probably don’t want to press that firmly into the bruise. The person
you’re massaging is going to jump and scream – and possibly return their own
tough touch!
The idea that each part of the body wants and needs a different kind of
touch is important. It’s part of the ‘just right’ idea. Just right for the legs
is different from just right for the arms.
The whole process of touch is about ‘just right’ and being aware of
what ‘just right’ is for this moment and this part of the body. And know as
well that what’s ‘just right’ for right now at this spot may be different in
ten minutes.
I would also highly recommend an introductory massage class. There are
hundreds of massage schools around the country. Many will have introductory
classes. These classes are for people who want to learn how to massage, and you
will probably find many people who are considering massage for a career and
want to learn more. These are a valuable starting point as well.
Or receive a massage. Visit several different people. Notice what they
do, what techniques they use, how they use them, when they use them, how do
they move. Experienced massage therapists and bodyworks will have a lot of
tools, not all of which you should try to begin with.
When you are aware of that level, the people you are with, and since
this is about men and relationships – your partner – will be much more
comfortable with you and your attention to them. Enjoy your new skills and
openness to touch!
