About this time last year I was in the middle of one of my cycles of trying to decide if I wanted to get another car. Every couple weeks I'd look at car reviews, or check Craigslist for used cars. I'd even go out and test drive a car to see what it was like. I'd also redo all the numbers in my head - gas costs, insurance costs, downpayments, interest rates, practicality, car personalities, how much of a car payment could I afford, how much would maintenance cost. This went on for months and months - perhaps 4 or 5 months.
This came back into my thoughts recently as a friend started considering another car as well. She's having similar thoughts and has spent some time already thinking about cars, looking at them, letting it all sink in. I noticed how much energy it was taking for her.
I realized about listening to my friend how much energy I had put into trying to decide on whether to get another car. I did finally decide at some point that I was going to keep the car another two years. After two years I would take a look again, but until then I was free to enjoy my car, and I had that time and energy back to put elsewhere. The simple decision of 'I'm deciding later' was huge. It even changed my view of my car and how I felt driving it. No more ifs, at least for now, just the plain piece of being in it.
While the car is specific example, I never quite realized how much energy indecision cost, how much effort it takes until the idea for this post came about. It makes complete sense now that I've written it. Even the decision to decide later, whether later is a day, a week, a month, three months, is a decision. It stops the wasted energy of stewing. Something my still come up earlier that will require a new decision, but until that time your energy can be more free.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Reminders
It continues to amaze me every day how often I'm reminded to return to the present and what I'm actually doing, or where the best place for my attention is. There are so many examples every day.
Driving seems to be particularly adept at this. It could be the deer or fox or chipmunk that dash across the road. When I come to a stop sign, I bring my attention back to the give and take. As I approach cyclists I'm careful to ensure both of us are safe. Backing out of the driveway as I watch for cars, bikes, and people walking.
In meetings at work occasionally I'll drift and suddenly realize I have to reconstruct the last minute or so while still listenting to the current conversation. Better to have just stayed present.
Using a knife to cut up fruits or vegetables. Shaving. Eating an ice cream cone on a warm day and paying attention to the melting. Even something as simple as the short interaction with the people ringing up your food at the grocery store and sharing a brief smile and how's your day.
While running, every big rock and root is a reminder to pay attention to where to plant your foot. In the pool, counting strokes, counting laps, and planning your next breath.
I'm also frequently reminded to stay with what is. When I start planning what I'm going to do with the tax refund
and the new tech toy I'm going to get, as soon as that check arrives, my car will suddenly have engine trouble and there goes to the tech toy. This happened recently with a lease I signed - while waiting for the landlord to return a signed copy I gave 30-days notice as my current rental. And guess what, the property I was going to rent is suddenly up for sale.
Maybe it's reminding myself of something I want to say to a friend the next time I see them, and as soon as I show up, something else becomes more important. Or looking forward to a favorite menu item as a local restaurant and then finding out they are out.
I could go on with many more of both being present and being with what is. Sometimes it's annoying - most of the time though I am entirely grateful to have these reminders.
Driving seems to be particularly adept at this. It could be the deer or fox or chipmunk that dash across the road. When I come to a stop sign, I bring my attention back to the give and take. As I approach cyclists I'm careful to ensure both of us are safe. Backing out of the driveway as I watch for cars, bikes, and people walking.
In meetings at work occasionally I'll drift and suddenly realize I have to reconstruct the last minute or so while still listenting to the current conversation. Better to have just stayed present.
Using a knife to cut up fruits or vegetables. Shaving. Eating an ice cream cone on a warm day and paying attention to the melting. Even something as simple as the short interaction with the people ringing up your food at the grocery store and sharing a brief smile and how's your day.
While running, every big rock and root is a reminder to pay attention to where to plant your foot. In the pool, counting strokes, counting laps, and planning your next breath.
I'm also frequently reminded to stay with what is. When I start planning what I'm going to do with the tax refund
and the new tech toy I'm going to get, as soon as that check arrives, my car will suddenly have engine trouble and there goes to the tech toy. This happened recently with a lease I signed - while waiting for the landlord to return a signed copy I gave 30-days notice as my current rental. And guess what, the property I was going to rent is suddenly up for sale.
Maybe it's reminding myself of something I want to say to a friend the next time I see them, and as soon as I show up, something else becomes more important. Or looking forward to a favorite menu item as a local restaurant and then finding out they are out.
I could go on with many more of both being present and being with what is. Sometimes it's annoying - most of the time though I am entirely grateful to have these reminders.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Lists
I used to be a listmaker. Lots and lots of lists. Lists of everything. Grocery lists, lists of when to pay bills, travel lists, lists for cycling events, lists for work. They were everywhere. They never ended. It felt good to cross an item off, but ultimately once half the page was crossed off I’d rewrite the list and add more at the end. The list was never finished.
I am now a recovering listmaker. Before I get to the ‘recovery’, I want to share two influences on my change of habits regarding listmaking.
The first comes from a guy I used to work with 15-20 years ago. He eventually moved into significant management positions being very successful in those. At one point we had a conversation about his style; I don’t know how we arrived at that subject or even what the rest of the conversation was about, but this is what I remember. As a manager he received hundreds of emails every day and could spend all day simply reading and responding to emails, some of which had no significant relevance for him and his position. That wasn’t where his time needed to be spent. While he had long-term objectives he always kept in mind, what he did every morning was scan through as many emails as he could as quickly as he could. From all that he’s find the 3-5 more important and mark those. The importance was also business related and obviously somewhat subjective. He would focus on making progress on answering those 3-5 emails every day so that when he went home he could really be with his family and leave the list nearly empty to start the next day.
The second is a different sort of prioritization system which comes from a long-time nuclear engineer – I don’t know exactly what he did other than that was his title. Again I don’t remember the context or the full conversation, just these bits. He said on the corner of his desk was a stack of folders. The folders came from various people and it was his responsibility to do something with the information in the folders. When he began his work, he always grabbed the top folder and dealt with what was in that first. Then move on to the second one and so on. If someone came back and asked about what happened with a folder, he could either tell them it had been dealt with, or if it was in the pile still, it would immediately be moved to the top. This system has two automatic priority systems – one was the newest items were always dealt with first. The second was that if something was really important, it would be mentioned repeatedly and find its way back to the top. Eventually some folders would drift down to the bottom and he would probably never get to them. If that was the case, it truly wasn’t important that it needed his attention.
While I’m sure both of these accounts have more detail, they do inform my change and list making strategy now.
My ‘recovery’ began perhaps 5 years ago. I made a conscious choice to stop making lists, or at least to reduce the number of paper lists significantly. Instead I would use my mind and my memory. I used a combination of strategies from both my friends – if it was really important I would remember it and if it really needed attention, I’d get to it right away and wouldn’t need to remember it anyway. I also changed how I made lists. I’d make lists based on priority and time, and most importantly I’d keep them short. For example my weekend list might be a few general items like cleaning, yard work, and laundry. With this system I knew what was really important, and at the end of the weekend I could throw away the list knowing it was fully done. I still have some long-term lists, and they clearly have lower priority and don’t get as much attention, but they do exist.
I’ve kept up this system since then and it has worked extremely well. I feel like I get more done, and get it done more efficiently. Life is simpler and easier with so much done, and not seeing lists of stuff still to do. There will always be stuff to do, but I don’t need to constantly remind myself of that, or even worse feel guilty for it. I really enjoy the satisfaction of getting done what really needs to be done.
I am now a recovering listmaker. Before I get to the ‘recovery’, I want to share two influences on my change of habits regarding listmaking.
The first comes from a guy I used to work with 15-20 years ago. He eventually moved into significant management positions being very successful in those. At one point we had a conversation about his style; I don’t know how we arrived at that subject or even what the rest of the conversation was about, but this is what I remember. As a manager he received hundreds of emails every day and could spend all day simply reading and responding to emails, some of which had no significant relevance for him and his position. That wasn’t where his time needed to be spent. While he had long-term objectives he always kept in mind, what he did every morning was scan through as many emails as he could as quickly as he could. From all that he’s find the 3-5 more important and mark those. The importance was also business related and obviously somewhat subjective. He would focus on making progress on answering those 3-5 emails every day so that when he went home he could really be with his family and leave the list nearly empty to start the next day.
The second is a different sort of prioritization system which comes from a long-time nuclear engineer – I don’t know exactly what he did other than that was his title. Again I don’t remember the context or the full conversation, just these bits. He said on the corner of his desk was a stack of folders. The folders came from various people and it was his responsibility to do something with the information in the folders. When he began his work, he always grabbed the top folder and dealt with what was in that first. Then move on to the second one and so on. If someone came back and asked about what happened with a folder, he could either tell them it had been dealt with, or if it was in the pile still, it would immediately be moved to the top. This system has two automatic priority systems – one was the newest items were always dealt with first. The second was that if something was really important, it would be mentioned repeatedly and find its way back to the top. Eventually some folders would drift down to the bottom and he would probably never get to them. If that was the case, it truly wasn’t important that it needed his attention.
While I’m sure both of these accounts have more detail, they do inform my change and list making strategy now.
My ‘recovery’ began perhaps 5 years ago. I made a conscious choice to stop making lists, or at least to reduce the number of paper lists significantly. Instead I would use my mind and my memory. I used a combination of strategies from both my friends – if it was really important I would remember it and if it really needed attention, I’d get to it right away and wouldn’t need to remember it anyway. I also changed how I made lists. I’d make lists based on priority and time, and most importantly I’d keep them short. For example my weekend list might be a few general items like cleaning, yard work, and laundry. With this system I knew what was really important, and at the end of the weekend I could throw away the list knowing it was fully done. I still have some long-term lists, and they clearly have lower priority and don’t get as much attention, but they do exist.
I’ve kept up this system since then and it has worked extremely well. I feel like I get more done, and get it done more efficiently. Life is simpler and easier with so much done, and not seeing lists of stuff still to do. There will always be stuff to do, but I don’t need to constantly remind myself of that, or even worse feel guilty for it. I really enjoy the satisfaction of getting done what really needs to be done.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Memory Leaks
First I have to admit I really don’t like metaphors that mix technology with the human body; downloads, operating system upgrades, hardware failures, and so on. Technology is ever present so these metaphors are both modern and relatively easy to relate to. My objection is simple – I’m a living, breathing, biological being, not a computer. No doubt human beings share elements with the computing world, but for now I’d rather retain my humanity. It’s with that that I offer my own metaphor here.
I’m a software developer and have been for a long time. Today in a refresher course I was reminded of two of the most insidious causes of errors within software – memory leaks and memory corruption. Huh? You’ll never see an error on a computer screen that specifically says ‘memory has been leaked’, as if it were water leaking out of a pipe, or ‘your memory has been corrupted.’ A good majority of errors at one point has these as root causes, though modern systems and programming styles are reducing them. Here’s a short explanation:
Memory Leak – to do almost anything on a computer, the software has to ask the operating system for memory, which the operating system readily offers up. As part of being a good software citizen, the software is supposed to give the memory back when it’s done. Sometimes programmers miss this step and what happens is slowly more and more memory is used even though it’s no longer needed. It’s a leak since it’s hard to track down where and when the programmer and software forget to release the memory.
Memory Corruption – when software asks for memory, it asks for a specific amount, for example 1000 bytes. The agreement is that the software is only supposed to use the memory it’s been given and stay within the bounds. Again, programmers can make mistakes and write into the wrong location, or write past the end of its bounds. This is called memory corruption.
Back to the metaphor - As I listened to the presenter talk about memory corruption and memory leaks somehow I thought of human beings and our own memory leaks and memory corruption.
We ‘leak’ memory and get filled up when we hold onto a memory longer than we need to and longer than it serves us. The most severe instances of this are major trauma and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). In these cases our brain, and body, retain the memory of an incident or series of incidents for a very long time. It has a significant effect on our behavior and life. Even smaller events can have an effect, which can be either positive or negative. We may remember a first love and hold onto that memory for a long time, which can interrupt the process of forming new loves. In a different way, someone may have hurt us in some way and we hold onto a grudge for a long time. Again this affects our memory.
The memories themselves don’t go away, it’s our reactions that cause leaks; we waste time and energy on old stuff. It certainly takes effort – some re-patterning of thoughts, maybe forgiveness, or establishing new habits – to sort through the memories and our reactions. When we do though, we stop ‘leaking’ and can put our energy towards aspects of our life that empower and enliven us.
In a similar fashion, a powerful memory is just that – powerful – and it overrides our normal, healthy, bodily systems and reactions. Memories can be so strong they ‘corrupt’ other memories and our systems. Again it’s not so much the memory itself, but how we perceive it and react to it. For example, if we were yelled at a kid for spilling milk, our normal reaction has been corrupted and now we feel bad whenever milked is spilled. Instead we could just be calm, find a mop, clean up the mess and acknowledge that accidents happen. Think of the saying ‘There's no use crying over spilled milk.’ This is just a small example to illustrate the point.
What memories can you release and let go of? What reactions can you change and let go of? What can you do to clean up your own ‘software’ so you have more memory and resources available to bring your best to the world? Start small, and once you know how to work with the small ones, the bigger ones will follow. You will run smoother and happier, just like your computer, with a good memory system.
I’m a software developer and have been for a long time. Today in a refresher course I was reminded of two of the most insidious causes of errors within software – memory leaks and memory corruption. Huh? You’ll never see an error on a computer screen that specifically says ‘memory has been leaked’, as if it were water leaking out of a pipe, or ‘your memory has been corrupted.’ A good majority of errors at one point has these as root causes, though modern systems and programming styles are reducing them. Here’s a short explanation:
Memory Leak – to do almost anything on a computer, the software has to ask the operating system for memory, which the operating system readily offers up. As part of being a good software citizen, the software is supposed to give the memory back when it’s done. Sometimes programmers miss this step and what happens is slowly more and more memory is used even though it’s no longer needed. It’s a leak since it’s hard to track down where and when the programmer and software forget to release the memory.
Memory Corruption – when software asks for memory, it asks for a specific amount, for example 1000 bytes. The agreement is that the software is only supposed to use the memory it’s been given and stay within the bounds. Again, programmers can make mistakes and write into the wrong location, or write past the end of its bounds. This is called memory corruption.
Back to the metaphor - As I listened to the presenter talk about memory corruption and memory leaks somehow I thought of human beings and our own memory leaks and memory corruption.
We ‘leak’ memory and get filled up when we hold onto a memory longer than we need to and longer than it serves us. The most severe instances of this are major trauma and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). In these cases our brain, and body, retain the memory of an incident or series of incidents for a very long time. It has a significant effect on our behavior and life. Even smaller events can have an effect, which can be either positive or negative. We may remember a first love and hold onto that memory for a long time, which can interrupt the process of forming new loves. In a different way, someone may have hurt us in some way and we hold onto a grudge for a long time. Again this affects our memory.
The memories themselves don’t go away, it’s our reactions that cause leaks; we waste time and energy on old stuff. It certainly takes effort – some re-patterning of thoughts, maybe forgiveness, or establishing new habits – to sort through the memories and our reactions. When we do though, we stop ‘leaking’ and can put our energy towards aspects of our life that empower and enliven us.
In a similar fashion, a powerful memory is just that – powerful – and it overrides our normal, healthy, bodily systems and reactions. Memories can be so strong they ‘corrupt’ other memories and our systems. Again it’s not so much the memory itself, but how we perceive it and react to it. For example, if we were yelled at a kid for spilling milk, our normal reaction has been corrupted and now we feel bad whenever milked is spilled. Instead we could just be calm, find a mop, clean up the mess and acknowledge that accidents happen. Think of the saying ‘There's no use crying over spilled milk.’ This is just a small example to illustrate the point.
What memories can you release and let go of? What reactions can you change and let go of? What can you do to clean up your own ‘software’ so you have more memory and resources available to bring your best to the world? Start small, and once you know how to work with the small ones, the bigger ones will follow. You will run smoother and happier, just like your computer, with a good memory system.
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