The lightning bolt

in a moment
it struck unexpected
as it always does

the polarities

built and coalesced
over time

waiting

blowing in from all directions

seemingly counter to reason
but meeting on congruency
synchronicity following its own rule

lingering

there was no storm

no sense
of the impending crush
no discernible forewarning
not in the center anyway

and then it struck

as paradox and duality
soul and self
idea and myth
clashed
and obliterated themselves
in the sheer energy of contrast

the flash instantaneous

the burn in slow motion
as if the poles wanted to remain
but there was nothing
nothing
to grasp from
or to
only a yielding now

cherished forms of reference

buried in the brilliance
astonishment presided
nothing to say
circuits fried
senses unleashed in comprehension

one could only watch

as the limitless
number of pieces
blew out big bang style
there was no going back
expression had sat this course

there was wonder

in the surf of synchronicity
the sheer fierceness
that met its own maker
and tender

the thunder and roar

followed
as it does
sounding out the joyful fury
of life meeting itself in a
magnificent collapse
into the distillized empty
wave upon wave of
deep resonance

then the fresh sight

as all the seasons of the
egoic atmosphere that had
accumulated was gone

after attuning the eyes

and senses

a truer reality

this one too

may succumb
to the whims
of Thor

Knowledge Relationships

One of the most common ideas around being human is relationship and connection. We are social creatures – we want to have connections with others.

Taking that one step further and we talk about everything being connected – people, planets, energy, nature, animals, and so on. Physics will say it’s all energy and it all interacts with each other. I for one have no doubt of this idea.

What if we brought that analogy to information and knowledge. After all, in its rawest form, information and knowledge are just pure energy as well.

Now information as an idea is far beyond anything we might think of – it’s everywhere. There’s information in every atom, its layout of atomic and subatomic particles. There’s information is every cell in our body about how it’s composed and how it functions. At this level the amount of information is staggering.

Knowledge I’ll condense as taking particular kinds of bits of information and making some sense out of them. Something we learn – from experience, from experiments, from life, from each other, from life. When we do this we are establishing relationships and connections among information! That happens all the time. Eventually we group this stuff into categories and fields of study as we establish deeper and closer relationship and connections.

What I find so cool is when we can connect and relate what we believe are entirely different categories of knowledge. When Neurology meets biology, or biology meets psychology, or understanding virus spread whether it’s human or computer. I love finding new ways to relate data – kind of in the same way that I love it when two friends meet and connect!

Taking it further, every person also has a relationship with wisdom and knowledge as well. It’s similar to having a relationship with a person, but instead of a physical form, it’s an energetic form. Our relationship with wisdom and knowledge constantly changes, it informs us and we inform it.

What if we treated our relationship with wisdom and knowledge like we treated our relationships with other people? I wonder what would happen?

The Eyes of Time

First, watch this video – I believe it’s a clip from the movie “The Artist is Present” which is about the life and works of Marina Abramovic.

The minute where the two meet eye to eye is amazing and beautiful, stunning. I know I'll never forget it, because I know the experience.

It doesn’t really need a history, but here it is: Marina Abramovic and Ulay started an intense love story in the 70s, performing art out of the van they lived in. When they felt the relationship had run its course, they decided to walk the Great Wall of China, each from one end, meeting for one last big hug in the middle and never seeing each other again. At her 2010 MoMa retrospective Marina performed ‘The Artist Is Present’ as part of the show, where she shared a minute of silence with each stranger who sat in front of her. Ulay arrived without her knowing and this is what happened.

As I’ve watched this, and I’ve watched it many times now, each time I am moved, and each time I find something new.

As with Marina and Ulay, it seems like a tale of love and loss, perhaps it is, perhaps it isn’t. While we as humans may feel a deep loss after a love ends, another idea  is simply that love has only changed form. Personally I’ve loved and lost. Even to this day it’s bittersweet as I remember the profound love between us, but rarely enough expressed. The loss is just as bittersweet with the grief of the separation and the knowing that it probably was in both of our best interests. For me, the love and loss as been one of my greatest gifts in this life. To know and feel both and how much they are so much the same.

One minute, it’s a rather short period of time, all things considered. For these two, time didn’t exist, it was a flash and an eternity. So it is in the real world as well. Time is relative, as Einstein was so keen to discover and point out to us. I love his quote, “Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.” Time is only what we make of it, especially when in the company of others. How will you be with your time?

The most profound facet of this is the eyes, the gazing. Have you really ever looked into someone’s eyes? Without talking, without moving, without distracting yourself. Just being there with that person. It doesn’t matter for how long, it can be a few seconds or an hour. If you really let yourself fall into it, open to see and be seen, it’s one of most amazing experiences. It can be planned, to just sit with someone and gaze. It can be spontaneous – perhaps at a restaurant and conversation stops, eyes settle, and you’re just there. Or as happened to me just a few weeks ago, in the middle of a grocery store on a lunchbreak meeting the eyes of a friend. You don’t even have to know each other that well – you might just tear up as you greet each other in a whole new way.

Just watch again and see what stirs in you.

The Revealing

In those few timeless seconds as we greeted
there was a recognition of each other
and a sweet embrace to open the moment

Nothing expected or hoped for

just a random meeting on a winter’s day
but

All this a prelude, a rhythm of paths where strings of

past, present, future, hearts, souls, and so much more
suddenly immersed themselves

Connections that have never been lost reconnected

forgotten memories that have never been forgotten remembered
universes come and gone all present at once

The instinctive and spontaneous collapse of disguises

for the revealing of a shining star and an entire galaxy
whose expression defies any depiction

These minds are not wired

to comprehend such a thing
or the eternity of such a flash

We wait and wait and wait

for moments like these in a life time
to be struck by lightning, or more

Be there it was

in the midst of the focused energy of a workday
despite the random energy of the retail sphere

The great poets have voices of these moments

with the grace, knowing, and spirit inspired in us all
even as they bow to their own flames

Grateful am I for the briefest encounter

that split atoms and revealed souls
as only another could

Software as Art

Alright, I might be stretching it a little to postulate that software can be art, but give me a chance …

I’ve had this idea in my head for a while that writing computer software is a form of art and deeply creative. Occasionally I have described what I’m about to write to a few people as well. I was reminded of this again while watching a video on www.code.org. In that video, which is encouraging young people to consider a career in software development, there are ideas and philosophies that I can align with.

So let me build an analogy. There are hundreds of languages in the world. Each language begins with an alphabet, a set of characters or symbols. Then these characters are combined into words which have a meaning. The compilation of all those meanings becomes a dictionary. Those words are grouped in types, such as nouns, verbs, adjectives, etc. To do anything with those words requires grammar, a set of rules on how words can be used together. All this learning and none of it has been used in any communication!

Then we take those words and use our minds and hearts to create something – sentences, paragraphs, Haiku, poetry, plays, books, short stories, epics, songs, and so on. Each one is a creative effort. Even the mere idea of composing a sentence such as this one requires a great deal of creativity since it’s likely a sentence rarely if ever repeated before. Of course some are more artistic than others, some touch us and resonate more than others. But that’s language and art all mixed together.

In software development there are also languages, dozens of them. Again each language has an alphabet, most often Latin. Then for each language the characters are combined into words which have a meaning within the software language, though the set of words is much smaller. Again those words are grouped into types such as conditional statements, mathematical, logical, and so on. Software languages also have a distinct grammar of how to put those words together. There is one piece that is highly unique about software and that is it allows those who write software to create new words or concepts by combining the prescribed words using the rules of the grammar for that language! That’s cool.

While spoken/written languages are primarily about communication, one of the essences of software is to solve a problem. It may be a superfluous problem like Angry Birds, or something specialized like the software for the Space Shuttle. For any problem there are thousands and thousands of ways to solve the problem, everyone would most likely solve it quite uniquely. It’s the same with spoken/written words – there are thousands and thousands of ways to express the same idea.

So software is about problem solving, not necessarily about logic as everyone presumes so quickly. Problem solving of this kind to me is just as creative as writing a poem or an epic story. How can the design be made elegant and efficient, and even beautiful? I know I’ve looked at code other people have written and admired what they’ve done; and I’ve seen spaghetti code that boggles my mind as well. Of course software is rarely seen at this level – it all gets compiled into programs that run on computer or phones which has no resemblance to the actual code that was written. To me there is beauty, and creativity, and art in software which unfortunately most people will never see, much less understand. Maybe I’ve turned your opinion just a little – ask me and I’ll show you my code sometime (can I use that as  pickup line;-).

Maybe we could take code and put it up on our refrigerators, or frame it and hang it on the walls of our house like any other art!

Proud to be a software artist.

Alive!

As I wrote the path for this piece, I thought of the shortcut word that’s often used in software developer for an exclamation point - bang.

Alive bang

In a recent conversation with a friend she offered the idea that what seemed vitally key to me was being and feeling alive. As she spoke I knew exactly what she was expressing about me. So let me explain …

It starts with the emotion or idea of happy or being happy. I read so many books and quotes that talk about the goal of life is to be happy. I hear so many people describe something similar, that they want to be happy. Now I don’t want to be unhappy or miserable or anything similar for long period of time, but I can’t remember ever saying that being happy was important to me. It’s not that I didn’t want to enjoy myself or experience happiness, but that has rarely been a goal. I don’t mean to say that happiness is not a worthy ideal or goal, but for me it’s not my thing.

Without the goal of being happy, I wasn’t entirely certain was I was seeking or hoping for, but it different from happiness, not more or less, just different. And still it’s been these even if I didn’t have words to express it. Alive is part of that. So is autotelic. And so is joy.

With joy I make a distinction from happiness. Happiness to me, as I’ve seen it is an experience or emotion that often arises because of something external. Perhaps it’s a person or an experience. Because of the external nature, often it can be fleeting; it comes and goes. It’s unlikely we will retain happiness with that kind of input, especially when so many other things happen in our life where we feel so many other things – pain, sadness, grief, ecstasy, anxiety, love. Most of these come and go as well.

But joy … in my experience of joy, joy is internal and spontaneous. It happens just because, for no specific reason. It bubbles up from nowhere and can last awhile or only a moment. For me it’s a delightful, energetic state of being that just happens – sometimes with a giggly kind of smile. I’ve also experience this kind of joy even in the midst of grief or frustration – it’s mixed in. It has an entirely different texture and quality from happy, one that satisfies and lights my body and soul in a more profound, deeper sense.

I’ve written about autotelic before - http://fiercewolfspeaks.blogspot.com/2012/03/autotelic.html. It’s about the idea of enjoying every as it is and the act of doing something is simply its own reward. For me that’s frequently the case. Of course I gravitate towards those things I tend to enjoy more, and still I enjoy what most would consider mundane such as washing dishes.

The idea of being alive or feeling alive encompasses so much for me. Joy is an aspect of it. Autotelic connects even deeper because it’s so prevalent. Alive goes even further – it’s about experiencing life fully, being in life completely as often as possible. Feeling each emotion as it happens. Appreciating sensations whether it’s smell, touch, taste, hearing, or seeing – or even intuition or other sense. It’s letting each moment be rich and simple and whole in itself. The moment might be a reflection on the past, or a hope for the future, a loving caress, or a new understanding of how to solve a problem at work, or a passionate kiss, or a keen insight into how two things relate, or how the keyboard feels as I type this. It doesn’t matter what it is – but being in life, of life, part of life – that’s thrilling beyond any happiness I can imagine or have experienced.

That’s life. That’s being and feeling alive. With a big bang!

Transitions

For those of you who’ve been to a yoga class, have you ever noticed some of the amazingly beautiful, graceful, gorgeous transitions some women artfully express as they move from one posture to the next? If I wasn’t doing the practice myself, I imagine I would just watch with awe and wonder.

There’s a part of me that wishes my transitions had a similar quality, and I’m fully aware that what I see and admire is not my style. So I awkwardly play around with my transitions, hoping to surrender to what might want to reveal itself. To this point, I’m not terribly satisfied  with the changes from my pose to the pose.

Recently I asked Kirsten Werner about this. I made the same comment about the transitions, and how can I, as a man, express a transition in my own way, in a more masculine way. I loved her answer. What she said was that transitions were just as much a form of posture as the postures themselves. That they have their own alignment, their own intention. Just as every posture has a prescribed form with many variations, every transition is similar, but rarely spoken about. So she encouraged me to approach the transitions with a similar mindset as I do with the asanas.

Around the same time as I spoke with Kirsten, I was given an ‘assignment’ from Sofia Diaz – to notice every transition for 24 hours. Notice my own energy, notice the energy of the new environment, and notice how they blend together. And I did it. It was amazing to notice how many transitions there really are, that we rarely think about. Even as we walk about our own home, we transition from a kitchen into a hallway through a doorway, into a bedroom and so on. The transitions are endless, even down to every breath, every blink, every footstep. It was a remarkable exercise to notice all that.

As I’ve ruminated on transitions and yoga, I also remembered something about some very core energies of the masculine and feminine. An essential feminine energy is flow, movement – which is exactly what transitions are in yoga. They are the yoga between the yoga asanas themselves. It’s no wonder women are so naturally expressive in that space. A fundamental masculine energy is stillness and groundedness – which is exactly what the yoga asanas themselves usually are. I am much more comfortable with a yoga practice that involves holding poses longer, and in the very rare times I’ve been in a yoga class with all men, that’s what we do a lot of.

With these ideas I’ve been bringing more of the awareness and surrender I often feel in a pose into the transitions themselves. To feel them completely, to notice how my body naturally moves, to listen to the changing energies with the movement.

One of my favorite ideas is the more I know, the less I know. I’m not sure if that’s a quote from somewhere, but it always resonates with me. Each nugget of information I learn reveals dozens or hundreds of nuggets attached to that one bit, especially since knowledge is as interconnected and relationship as people are. I had some idea that yoga it a spacious body of knowledge, wisdom, and practice – and yet each new morsel reveals so much more that’s available. So it is with transitions as well.

On to something new, again!

The Only One

As I’ve been to more yoga practices in the past three months, I’ve come upon a curious situation. In about a third of the classes I’ve gone to, I’m the only man present!

For my work with computers, it’s entirely the opposite. In the office I’m in, it’s more than 90% men. In fact most of my life at work has been like that. I’ve had the experience of being in environments that are mostly women, but it’s unusual. At one point for a year I was a manager with six women reporting to me, so I am familiar with some of the energies and dynamics – but with yoga it’s different.

There are many things striking me about the unusual nature of being the only man in a yoga practice.

For me, it’s been an opportunity to feel my own energy and being in relation to such a potent, focused feminine energy. As the solo-man thing has happened more and more, I am noticing different aspects. There’s the question of what is my energy right now. Another question of what do I want my energy to be. Then the feeling and question of what’s the energy in the room like. And how do I relate to that energy, or fit it the energy, or sit in that energy, or even bump up against that energy. It’s different every time.

I remember when this really started to become a curiosity for me, and then reflecting back on what I had naturally felt and done. The practice was a small one, 7 of us total including the teacher. I felt my energy as being good, but not deeply seated as it sometimes is. I began to wonder about how did I want it to feel and I sensed I wanted to bring forth more of my energy. As I started to do so, I could feel my energy bumping into and even somewhat being resisted by the energy from the women in the room. So I felt that energy and while it wasn’t forceful it had a beautiful, soft, comforting, and even deep, rhythm to it that didn’t want to be disturbed. Then I just melted into that energy and what a difference that made as the class flowed so well in that space.

I’ve also noticed that where I am physically with the room can make a difference as well. If I’m in or very near the middle, it’s much easier to be in a masculine type energy and hold the space with the feminine around me. If I’m on the edge, it’s easy for me to be on the edge – noticing the fuzzy boundaries and holding my place while not being pushed out of the container. Other areas feel more challenging as I’m not quick sure where to land between the center or the edge, and in some of those cases, as in the above class, I just melt in.

I notice when a man or masculine energy isn’t really expected or wanted. As if the class has a general tendency towards all women, and then unexpectedly a man is there. I also notice the opposite, when there’s a welcoming sense to having a man present.

It’s a bit like being a minority. I’ve been in foreign countries where being white is certainly a minority – Vietnam, Tanzania, Peru. I know I stand out, and yet I don’t recall feeling as much of a difference in those situations as I do in a yoga class as the only man. Maybe it’s the concentrated, engaged energy, maybe it’s the small space. Maybe I really do stand out that much.

It’s a space for me to play. To know my strengths and energies – and the differences. To know when I’m strong and can meet a roomful of women. To know when to be a graceful man in a field of feminine. When and how to hold a boundary or maybe resist, or to join what’s arising, or to contain and hold. It’s a fun exploration I’ll continue to play with as the only one!

42 Days

Just before Christmas I began 30 days of yoga after being inspired by a conversation over Thanksgiving. Really I figured once I got past about 20 days, getting all the way through January would be doable and make it an even 6 weeks straight of yoga every day. What a great experience it’s been!

I laughed, cried, and smiled.

Surprisingly, I danced several times.

For several classes, I was a completely dripping – hot yoga is not my favorite thing.

Getting up at 5:30 for a yoga class is not my favorite thing either.

I was able to do a whole bunch of poses I’ve never even seen before, much less tried on my own.

A hot yoga class after a root canal does wonders.
More than once I was the only male in the class. And at least once I was the oldest.

After a while I started to be able to find a flow at home doing yoga on my own.

I learned to get over being self conscious about taking my shirt off when it was hot in class.

For an entire class, I felt complete stillness and how amazing that was.

Learning to pace day after day was part of the learning and challenge, and I believe I mostly worked it out.

A two and a half hour class is a lot of yoga – and I was able to do it.

And two classes in one day is also a lot – and it was fun.

Everything about my practice is different – I can bend, twist, and stretch more than before. I can breathe deeper and in more places. My core is stronger. I know I feel different from six weeks ago though I couldn’t exactly say what the difference is – but I like it!

I’m grateful to all the teachers and studios I experienced over the past six weeks – Amy Benton, Nikki Rogers, Jeff Bailey, Steph Uvalle, Stephen Uvalle, Jeannie Manchester, Brenda Wong, Angela Grace, Barb Beard Passalacqua, Michelle Anderson, Camden Hock, Livia Shapiro, Sasha Cohen, Patrick, Jack, Valerie D’Ambrosio, and Sofia Diaz.

A special thanks to Kirsten Warner for such great support and insight.

Now it’s time to wash some clothes and my mat! And as much as I’ve enjoyed this, I’ve missed running, so it’s time to put on those shoes and head back onto the trails and balance out running and yoga.

The Lady with the Dragon Eyes

We sat together, facing each other, she and I. We looked into each other’s eyes, something beyond staring and more than gazing. To be part of a deep revealing and connection. She slipped into my soul to be witness to the story of the spirit that lives, for now, in this human body. Communing and relating with an internal environment hardly contained by physical form. Feeling the sovereigns unmarked by time. Savoring the puzzle pieces still not fitted into form and place yet. Discerning a whole picture devoid of layers of consciousness.

While she looked, I noticed too. A feeling that time and space stopped or didn’t even exist or intermixed. Light became twisted and fuzzy, fading, focusing, returning. What was I really in this moment? Countless lifetimes from so many realities danced through my perception. Each revealed for an eternity of an instant to be fully experienced and then departed. A story weaved together, exploring edges for so long. Each building and building and building – to this life.

Those eyes, her eyes – I know those eyes. They are the eyes of dragons. The dragons I challenged in battles and wars. Some would best me, and some I would slay. Each clash would reveal the burning, bright eyes of a brilliant soul sharing deep reverence and admiration for the other. And … the dragons who were my dearest companions , brothers and sisters of the heart. The ones I rode on the backs of across so many starry nights and brilliant days; the ones I rode with into so many contests. Those eyes breathing Namaste.

The discoveries – a being crawling right from the rich dirt of this Earth, leading with a knowing, offering new sheaths of energetic ensembles. A child still with more to say and express. Water spirits of desire and power heard, but not felt. Beliefs to be released. Fullness and richness to be offered. A heart filled soul traveling the untrodden, but true path.

To the lady with the dragon eyes, I offer the breath of Namaste once again and a little Rumi.

Look at your eyes, how small they are, and yet they see mountains and stars and the infinite sky. In this circle of love the universe is one.
- Rumi

Diamond in the Rough

Lyrics to a song I wrote ...

In that moment

All you are is now

The past disappears into the shadows

The future is but a dream

Here is all that matters

Her smile reveals the title

Her touch weaves a story

Her eyes are clear and open

Her soul is bared to you

Feeling, knowing, twisting, being.

In these rare moments, you own soul

Is mirrored on all sides

For she reflects all that you are.

She’s the words and the expression

You … are … the … story.

Your own depth goes deeper

still deeper

And you know your own brilliance

A diamond in the rough

That isn’t so rough anymore

Sparkling, loving, shining, living.

Another layer is gone

And another new beginning

A diamond’s journey is never through.

In that moment

All you are is now

The past disappears into the shadows

The future is but a dream

Here is all that matters

Every Day ...

Every day I feel the most exquisite love flow through me.

Of friends of loved ones. For an astonishing life. To humanity and this universe we live in.

Every day I my heart is broken into a thousand pieces.

Every day I open my heart again … and again … and again.

Every day my faith crashes away and I feel the crushing weight of being left.

Every day I carve my faith again, renewed and fresher.

Every day I come to the two roads diverging in the woods.

Every day I take the one less traveled.

Every day I breathe – into my belly, into my back, into my body.

Every day I release something old, something that is no longer needed.

Every day I am the moth nearly scorched by irresistible flames.

Every day I am back for more.

Every day anger burns through me.

Every day alchemy turns it to love and compassion.

Every day fear rises up in my way.

Every day courage reveals new strength.  

Every day impatience sets its course.

Every day I set one of my own.

Every day I feel an unshakeable peace live in me

Every day I feel all the attempts to rattle it.

Every day I awake thrilled to be alive, living in this time.

Every day I awake ready to start all over again.

Zero Degrees Kelvin

This past week there was an article about scientists demonstrating a negative temperature in an experiment. Here’s the article - http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/04/absolute-zero-record-setting-negative-temperature_n_2404666.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false.

A little background first – we usually think of temperature as a measure of hotness or coldness. It some ways it may be more accurate to say that temperature measures the amount of movement and interaction of molecules. If there’s no movement there’s no interaction. But when there is movement, there is interaction and every interaction involves a release of some energy as heat. Where there is absolutely no movement that is considered zero degrees Kelvin, where Kelvin comes from the scientist Lord Kelvin. The Kelvin scale and Celsius scale are closely tied where every 1 degree equates to 1 degree Kelvin, the different is that Celsius was meant to be more convenient and relatable to everyday interactions. Hence 0 degrees Celsius is the temperature at which water freezes or goes between solid and liquid, and 100 degrees Celsius is the temperature at which water changes between liquid and gas. Minus 273.15 degrees Celsius is equivalent to 0 degrees Kelvin.

As I’ve read more, like many topics, there are layers. Like when we learn physics equations seem in pure form, and then we learn about friction and other small factors that turn simple equations into complex formulas. The simple equations demonstrate the concepts which the full-blown equations are needed for more detailed areas. Temperature is like that as well where 0 degrees Kelvin is no translational movement in the classical model. Now I’m not sure what the classical model is, but there are clearly other dimensions of this.

Now the experiment used precise fields of lasers and magnetics to align molecules and generate a new energy state. This also begs the question – are our ideas of temperature wrong? Or need adjustment? And what about forces.

As I thought about this, I also wondered about force. There are four types of forces – gravity, electromagnetic, weak nuclear, and strong nuclear. The weak nuclear and strong nuclear are present within the nucleus of an atom. Gravity is an attraction between matter, and electromagnetic that is everywhere. Scientists don’t fully understand the mechanisms of these forces – how they work, how they exist, but clearly they do. Is it possible to have no movement or no energy while these forces exist? How is it that a single molecule could have no movement and no energy – after all it have the energy of the weak nuclear and strong nuclear force to hold it together? Or how is it that two molecules could remain completely stationary given there is a gravitational field between them?

I have no answers, only a curious mind that was blown open by this article and the idea of temperature loops and ‘negative’ temperatures. Science continues to amaze me!

I am not a runner

I’ve borrowed this title from my friend Lara Robinson and her Saturday Morning Zen blog. Lara recently wrote about not feeling like a runner. It got me to thinking … and I want to take it in a different direction.

In Lara’s blog she questions her status as a runner. She hasn’t run much in several months and voices the loss she feels.

I can relate to this feeling. At one point I was cycling five or six times a week with long rides on the weekends. I considered myself a cyclist. Then I went over the handlebars smashing my face, I don’t recommend this maneuver by the way. The recovery from the facial injuries and brain injuries took two years and for perhaps a year of that, I did very little exercise. My body wouldn’t let me, and thankfully I listened. I felt the loss of my identity as an athlete, as a cyclist. It was even more than that, I slept a lot and in general didn’t have much energy. I hardly went out with friends, I wasn’t very productive at work or at home. My identities as a productive person, as a friend, as a social being – and many more – were challenged over and over.

I didn’t know who I was or how to describe myself. My definition of who I was was dependent on what I did.

We all feel this and we feel this as loss because we hang our confidence and our identity on words and ideas. We are attached, and perhaps with good reason, to these identities; what or who would we be without them? For me, the sense of attachment is greatly diminished, one of the brutal lessons of losing your identities.

So as I read Lara’s blog, a different thought and feeling came to me. Running is an expression of who I am, but it doesn’t define me. Cycling was an expression of who I am, though I don’t express myself much that way anymore. Dancing, singing, playing music are artistic expressions of who I am. Doing bodywork and writing software are completely different expressions of who I am. As a friend, I convey myself in a particular way. As a lover, my heart and soul expresses in a beautiful tangle of bodies and hearts and energies.

Each of these, and more, is an expression of who I am. Each piece is like a hologram, where each piece of a hologram reflects the whole. They flow through me fluidly and easily (mostly).

So, no I am not a runner, but running is a genuine expression of my being and my soul. And it’s sure fun!

Committing

Currently I’m on day 12 of 30 consecutive days of yoga. The inspiration came from a conversation at a Thanksgiving dinner when a woman I talked to briefly revealed that she had done 30 consecutive days of yoga and how profound it had been. At the time I didn’t think much of it, but it stuck in my body.

For about two weeks I didn’t think much of it, and then the idea returned. Soon I was having thoughts about doing so. I would look at yoga studio websites, I thought about getting some one-on-one coaching to help, I thought about intentions, and so on. The odd thing was I had never decided or committed to do this, yet it seemed like I was fully on the way to doing it. This got me to thinking about committing, and I thought of different types of committing. So here goes.

A goal

This, to me, would be the most common. You lay out a goal for yourself, a resolution perhaps, and then you go for it. It could be small or big, but it’s a goal. The endgame is the goal.

An announcement

This is a good one – this is when we announce to several people, or maybe the world, what we are going to do. It’s similar to a goal, but because we’ve announced it we are now on the hook and accountable to get it done. We don’t want to have to tell the story of why it didn’t happen. It has deep external motivators.

Prove something

This is one I have some experience with. It’s when we decide we are going to do something come hell or high water, we have something to prove. It’s a fighter’s fight. We go in headlong, full of steam and get it done. It’s a lot of energy and often doesn’t have the real results we want, but damnit we’ve proved what we could do.

Go with the flow

I would describe this as exactly what I experienced setting up for my yoga stretch. The idea stuck in my body, it seemed my soul wanted to go for it. I didn’t need to commit because it was already happening and I just had to ride the wave (and oh yeah, not resist).

All-in

This one is rarer, and it’s thrilling. This is where everything aligns – body, mind, spirit, soul, being – where everything all at once says with the biggest scream and smile – ‘I’m all in’. The word commit almost doesn’t even seem to be big enough for this. Whatever the idea or action, it has complete alignment.

I’m sure there are others – what else comes to mind for you? How else do you commit to something?