Integrity

“One’s suffering disappears when one lets oneself go, when one yields — even to sadness” -Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
  

For the past couple weeks I've been sitting in one of my stories. It's an old story that comes up every so often. This time it seemed I needed more time to hear it, let it roll around in my head and body, let it pull at different threads to have a different space with it. For now, it doesn't matter what the story is, just that the flow that transpired has been very different.

While I sat and listened to the drone that seemed to go on and on, I tried listening from different places, to different voices. Trying to understand the links and patterns. It was frustrating at times and several nights of sleep were cut short with all the looping.

One of the common themes I heard was 'that's it, I'm not taking it anymore.' Another was about control, or really lack of control, especially in regards to other people. With those themes I listened for what that meant to me. What I heard in that was that I needed to hold onto my personal integrity. Once that became clear I knew what was needed for me to be in a place that felt like I was holding my integrity to myself.

For a short bit, that felt good. And then it didn't. I was confused - what could be wrong with maintaining personal integrity. What was I missing? So more looping, listening, feeling.

What came up was about the greater good and a bigger picture? Despite what I thought would be reasonable for me, that same thing did not feel reasonable in a bigger picture. How could I have integrity with the world?
For awhile this felt really good as well. The ego just suddenly disappeared out of the entire picture and my story fell to pieces. Instead there was a feeling of freedom, opportunity, possibility, openness, discovery, acceptance. I just simply felt better, a burden was gone.

One more round though - this was was about uncovering that both are important, me and the world. That there has to be a balance of needs between both. With that it is possible to be in integrity with myself and with the world (including those around us).

I will take a quick moment to disgress with this - what if we all could learn how to be in integrity with ourselves, and the world, and those around us. Imagine the kind of world it would be ...

In the end I still don't have control over other people. It is a reminder that I have some, albeit somewhat illusionary, control over my own response. Even moreso is being with what is - finding the gifts in that and discovering my own strength and purpose in that. As I started, I talked about my story - and that's just it. It's MY STORY - and it's just a story. It's a story from the ego wanting to be #1, top dog. Maybe that's the biggest teaching of all, is the reminder that it's a story from the ego. When 'my story' comes up, to remember what the source is and where it's coming from.

Then it's time to step back and step out, let the story fall to pieces, and let what's true be revealed.